
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12588524.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Castiel/Dean_Winchester, Castiel_&_Dean_Winchester, Other_Relationship
      Tags_to_Be_Added
  Character:
      Castiel_(Supernatural), Chuck_Shurley, or_Chuck_Novak...more_like_it,
      Dean_Winchester, Asmodeus_(Supernatural), Ramiel_(Supernatural), Azazel_
      (Supernatural), Dagon_(Supernatural), Bobby_Singer, Ellen_Harvelle,
      Gabriel_(Supernatural), Michael_(Supernatural)
  Additional Tags:
      Destiel_-_Freeform, Angst, Angst_and_Feels, Chubby_Castiel, Abuse,
      Bullying, Hurt/Comfort, Chuck_Shurley_is_a_Novak, Chuck_Shurley_is_Not
      God, Castiel_is_a_Sweetheart, Hurt_Castiel, Bullied_Castiel, Hurt_Dean
      Winchester, Eventual_Comfort_and_Fluff, Top_Dean, Bottom_Castiel,
      Homophobia, Homophobic_Language, Religious_Conflict, Rape/Non-con
      Elements, Dubious_Consent, Gay_Castiel, Gay_Dean_Winchester, Teenage
      Castiel/Teenage_Dean_Winchester, Alternate_Universe_-_High_School, school
      fights, Castiel_(Supernatural)_is_Fifteen_Years_Old, Dean_Winchester_is
      Seventeen_Years_Old, Eating_Disorders, Loneliness, Friendship, Friends_to
      Lovers, Getting_to_Know_Each_Other, Physical_Abuse, Underage_Drinking,
      Underage_Sex, Prostitution, Underage_Prostitution, Prostitute_Dean,
      Abused_Castiel_(Supernatural), Abused_Dean, Underage_Masturbation,
      Underage_Smoking, Castiel_is_Not_Okay, Dean_is_a_Good_Friend, Castiel_and
      Dean_Winchester_in_Love, Dean_Winchester_is_Protective_of_Castiel,
      Castiel_Loves_Dean_Winchester, Switching, Oral_Sex, Experienced_Dean,
      Naive_Castiel, Innocent_Castiel, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Rough_Kissing,
      Play_Fighting, Falling_In_Love, Love_Confessions, Loss_of_Innocence, Loss
      of_Virginity, Trust, Preacher's_Kid_Castiel, Child_Abuse, Flashbacks,
      Suicide_Attempt, Suicidal_Dean, Suicidal_Castiel, Minor_Character_Death,
      Slow_Burn, ....i_guess, Other_Additional_Tags_to_Be_Added
  Series:
      Part 1 of W.I.P_fics
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-11-01 Updated: 2017-11-25 Chapters: 12/? Words: 19545
****** "Love's Going To Get You Killed." ******
by PassionPhantom
Summary
     Constantly bullied and abused Castiel Novak knows and believes that
     no one will ever love him. But things soon change for him when he
     meets Dean Winchester, an older and deeply troubled boy, who develops
     an interest in Castiel and all the scars he has.
Notes
     Just wanted to do a story about a Chubby!Castiel who wants love and
     affection. But what was intended to be light, fluffy and happy turned
     into something dark and angsty real fast.
     UPDATE: I rewrote the entire first chapter so it would have more
     backstory for Cas.
     And note Chuck Shurley is known as "Charles Novak" in the fic.
     This fic means a lot to me and i have decided to marathon write it
     for the next few days so expect some frequent updates. Depending on
     how i feel the chapters will be around 1,000 or 2,000 words or even
     drabbles around 500.
     I also added the underage warning because Dean and Castiel are
     teenagers/adolescents. Castiel is 15 and Dean is 17. For what they
     will go through it only felt appropriate to put the warning.
     I admit I am writing this on the fly so there will be some mistake
     here and there but I will do my best to fix it all in time.But
     despite all the angst I hope you guys enjoy reading.
     Additional notes to be added later.
      
     There is also a soundtrack to this fic that can be found on youtube,
     "Love's_Going_To_Get_You_Killed-_A_Destiel_Fanfic_Soundtrack"
***** Deal. *****
Chapter Summary
     "Love's going to get you killed...But pride's gonna be the death of
     you and you and me
     and you and you and you and me
     and you and you and me."
     ---Kendrick Lamar, "Pride."
Young Castiel Novak never thought he would ever be loved and there was nothing
that could convince him otherwise. Not only because he was considered a loser
at school and didn’t have any real friends but it was because of how he looked.
Castiel stared at himself in the mirror and thought of how plain he was. His
skin was pale, ashen and blemished. Covered in fading scars from the beatings
he received from bullies and his father, Charles. Castiel ran his hand over his
limp dark hair. Trying to smooth away the small fly aways that seem to remain
in the same wild spot no matter what he did.
Sighing at himself Castiel blinked his big round blue eyes. Finding them to be
the only thing he liked about himself. The only thing…and he allowed his eyes
to drift down to his body. Plump, round and soft. Castiel hugged his thick
waist and full belly and studied himself.
There is a constant struggle when it comes to being overweight. The millions of
questions that run through your head throughout the day as you speak to people.
Wondering if they like you or not. Wondering if they are judging you about your
looks and secretly relishing in the fact that they were not you. Not fat.
Castiel blinked again remembering his first day back to school. How no one
really talked to him. Barely a friendly hello. It was all routine yes and
Castiel acknowledged that it was no one else’s fault other than his own for
looking the way he did. But it didn’t stop him from yearning for a simple
hello. Or a real friendship.
There was at least Balthazar, who was once friendly to Cas during their
freshman year. Though things soon fell apart when Balthazar found out Castiel’s
deepest secret. Balthazar wasn’t comfortable with knowing that Castiel was
gay…and what made things worse between them was when Castiel told Balthazar how
he felt about him.
 
Castiel thought he was in love.
Or that he at least finally found someone who he thought liked him. He thought
that he could trust his ‘best’ friend. But after that day during their winter
break…after the near kiss…. Castiel knew that Balthazar would never talk to him
again. And Cas was right, Balthazar made a point to ignore Castiel for the rest
of that year.
     
‘This is as good it’s going to be…. Just another day, Castiel. It’s nothing
new.’ Cas thought to himself walking away from the mirror and gathering his
back pack. He expected nothing special for Sophomore year at Oswald High.
Nothing new at all. Every day will be exactly the same. Same halls. Same
people. Same bullies… Insults,  punches to the gut and slaps over the head.
Same old moments of being pushed into lockers and also being made fun of for
not fitting into said lockers.  
It was all from his tormentors, The Prince brothers, Junior year students with
nothing better to do than to make Castiel’s life a living hell. They always
made a point to target Castiel throughout various times of the day.
Asmodeus Prince, the oldest, would take the morning shifts with harassing Cas
and knocking down his books or stealing his bag and tossing it into the
garbage. Azazel, the second brother, would usually taunt Cas during lunch by
snatching away Cas’ food and throwing it over his head while saying,
“I think you’ve had enough, Mr. Piggy!”
 And then there was Ramiel Prince, the third brother, who handled beating Cas
up at the end of the day. Punching Cas repeatedly in the face or the gut and
pushing him down the school stairs. Castiel had fallen so bad once that he
fractured his right wrist and Ramiel, who had always made sure to assault Cas
when there weren’t any witnesses, left running away while Cas cried holding his
wrist while lying face down on the concrete.
 
The Prince brothers made sure that Castiel suffered in every way possible. It
had got to a point when Castiel grew extremely lonely and decided to make a
social media account in an attempt to make friends. But as soon as the brothers
caught wind of Castiel’s new step forward to actually socialize they began to
bully him online as soon as possible.
Castiel didn’t know how they found out about his webpage but they private
messaged him continuous insults daily and later the boys hacked Castiel’s
account and posted various amounts of porn on his account’s main wall and
changed the privacy settings for everyone to see.
Castiel had frozen with horror as all the videos played all at once. Terror
ripping at his heart as he realized that the volume was on full blast and that
his dad was upstairs.
Strict and religious Castiel’s father, Charles Novak, heard the pornographic
noises coming from the living room’s desktop. Believing that his youngest son
was online researching for a paper and not knowing anything about Castiel’s
secret social media account Charles came running. Stomping down the stairs in a
blood red fury.
 
Castiel was so confused and frightened that he didn’t hear his father coming.
He was too busy trying to delete the porn and his as well as his account
immediately. But the more he clicked the more porn windows started to play.
“What the hell was that noise, Castiel! Are you watching porn on the computer!
You little nasty fuck!”
Castiel turned just in time to be met with a punch to the face. Charles grabbed
his son by the hair and dragged him across the floor.
“Dad! Wait please I can explain!” Cas begged but it was no use. His father was
already on him with his belt. Whipping at Castiel’s back and legs.
“Dad, No no! It’s no-t what you think-k!” Castiel cried out but the beating
continued….
 
Castiel was left on the floor as Charles went to the computer and checked
everything that was on it. Besides the porn, Charles found Castiel’s secret
webpage. He turned back to his son with a roaring wrath.
 
And when the second beating was over Castiel lied still on the floor mindlessly
hurt and confused. An hour passed before he finally got up to go his tiny
bedroom. There he laid in his bed crying out in frustration.
 
That was just freshmen year and now Castiel expected nothing more than the same
old shit this year. Nothing could get worse.
I think it’s best if I just keep my head down and just go through it. The worse
they could do is actually kill me….I mean it will be a bit of a favor really.’
Castiel thought to himself while walking into school.  
The main hall was full of students rushing around and laughing. Too loud and
excited in the morning for it to make any sense.
Castiel stepped passed everyone and went to his locker that was further down
the hallway. And as if on cue Asmodeus snuck up on Cas and pushed him.
“Top of the morning, bitch.”
Castiel turned in fear and fury as Asmodeus smiled at him. Castiel had expected
something more. A punch, a wet willy or a straight kick in the ass. But
Asmodeus continued to walk away to the other side of the hall. There he stopped
to whisper something to his sister, the insanely beautiful Dagon Prince. She
turned immediately to look at the young chubby sophomore. 
 
“Oh yeah You can totally tell that he is gay!” Dagon said VERY loudly. So much
that other people’s heads turned to see who they were talking about.
Asmodeus roared with laughter while other students started to whisper
immediately.
Castiel stood frozen.
Shock paralyzing his entire body. Castiel wasn’t open about his sexuality for a
reason. Besides being overweight and having a religious family Castiel knew for
a fact that no one would ever like him back anyway. And ultimately he knew that
the Prince brothers would start to humiliate him more than what they already
have.
 
            “Wait seriously, Dagon, how can you tell?” Asmodeus asked and Dagon
shrugged.
            “Intuition…now move!” Dagon pushed her brother and headed to class
ignoring the boy from afar. Asmodeus looked at Castiel with a devious smirk
that made the sweat pour down Castiel’s face. And with that joyfully evil look
in the older boy’s eye Castiel knew that this school year will be completely
different than before.
===============================================================================
                                        
Later that day when school finally let out Castiel walked home with his head
held low. His headphones were on blast with Deftone’s Minerva playing and
Castiel just let the moments go by as the music destroyed his eardrums.
Something was different in the day. After the morning incident Asmodeus and his
siblings didn’t pick on Castiel throughout the day like in the past. And this
both relieved and scared Cas as he lingered throughout the day waiting for the
bullying to finally start.
A part of Cas wanted to believe that maybe the Prince brothers were just
getting tired of him. But Cas remembered that look Asmodeus gave him. He knew
something was up…. but some part of him didn’t care as he walked up the busy
street. He just listened to his music hoping that a car would hit him and end
his suffering.
 
Castiel sighed when it didn’t happen…he frowned and continued to walk until
suddenly he was grabbed from behind.
 
“Hey you fat ass faggot!!” It was Asmodeus and his brothers. They ripped off
Castiel’s headphones and laughed. Pushing him around and dragging him in the
alleyway Castiel was just passing.
 
“Stop it! Wasn’t this morning enough for you!” Castiel shouted out at Asmodeus
with anger and agitation. Asmodeus laughed and slapped Cas and let his brothers
slam him up against the brick wall.
“Naw Tubby! We’re just about to get started!” Asmodeus said.
“Rumor is that you like cock, Mr. Piggy!” Ramiel chuckled poking Castiel in the
stomach. 
            “Aww man come on! So what if I do!” Castiel shouted and suddenly
tried to break free. Asmodeus rolled his eyes and pushed Castiel back up
against the wall with ease.
The two other boys laughed and grinned together.
“Now. Now Castiel. Don’t get all feisty you’re in for a real treat today…”
Asmodeus said with the same devious smirk from before. “We gotta deal for you
and we promise to let you get off easy for the week…. hell, we’ll probably
leave you alone for the whole year…. if you suck our dicks that is.”
 
Castiel’s eyes shot open.
Azazel laughed at him and said,
“Yeah and you like it though anyway, so why not?” Azazel went to pinch Cas on
the cheek and Cas flinched away. It only took a second but the guys began to
crowd around Cas.
 And Castiel curled inwardly attempting to shield himself from them.
“No, no I don’t want to.”
“Well if you don’t we’ll just have to kick your ass.” Asmodeus said. “So do
it…or not it’s up to you, Porky.”
Castiel looked up at the older boys in fear.  All he wanted was to get home.
But something in him made him think about the deal. Honestly… Castiel was just
tired of being beaten up all the time, by the Brothers and his own father on
top of that, and the thought of having a whole year off from the bullying
caught his attention.
With that thought Castiel suddenly realized that he had never gone down on
anyone before…let alone actually kiss someone either. But now here he was in
this alleyway desperate enough to even think about going down on his
tormentors.
And it was just…. if anything could get him out of another beating from the
Prince brothers than it might just be worth it.
So Castiel timidly nodded his head at Asmodeus’ offer.
Asmodeus grinned devilishly watching as Castiel began to shake violently.
Blinded by tears Cas got on to his knees. The moisture of the ground soaking
through his jeans.
“Me first,” Asmodeus laughed as unbuckled his pants, undid his boxers and
grabbed Castiel by the back of his head. 
***** Heaven. *****
Chapter Summary
     “If Heaven was a mile away and you could ride by the gates,
     Would you try to run inside when it opens? Would you try to die
     today?”
                                                                       ---
     DJ Forgotten: Kendrick Lamar & Nas, “Angels.”
There was nothing much left in life for Dean Winchester.
His father was gone.
His mother was gone.
And Sammy had just gotten sick after his thirteenth birthday. Falling ill to
the disease known as Lupus Sammy was often in a serious amount of pain and
could no longer leave the house back in their old town, Springston. Though
after their father John Winchester was taken to prison for first degree murder
Dean and Sam had to move in with their uncle Bobby and Aunt Ellen in Belleview.
And Sam cried as he had to be carried out the house in Dean’s arms. Clinging to
his brother desperately as the pain racked his body. Calling for his mother who
was now gone because of John.
 
Like Springston, Belleview was just another cold small town. Boring and quiet.
Filled with motels, old churches, liquor stores, homeless people and run down
schools that resembled prisons. The large nearly windowless buildings made Dean
think of his father and the night when it all happened….
 
 The argument between his parents that was because of him. Dean had finally
gotten the courage to come out to his mother and John over heard.
“I anit gonna have A faggot for a son!!” John roared. Bursting into the kitchen
with fiery fury that scared his wife and son. Mary jumped quickly to defend her
son and When John hit his wife Dean lost it. Tackling his father and receiving
punches to the back. But John was so much stronger than his teenage son and the
fight soon turned a vicious beating that Mary had to intervene.
“JOHN!!! JOHN!! STOP IT! YOU’RE HURTING HIM!!!!!” Mary screamed and jumped on
her husband’s back. Pulling his shirt and Punching at his sides. Though John
ignored her and continued to punch Dean in the face and stomp on his back.
When Dean passed out from one last punch John turned to his wife just in time
to be met with a slap. And It was the last straw for John Winchester. He lost
it and saw nothing but red.
Dragging Mary across the floor and wrestling her down John choked his wife.
Squeezing her thin neck until his fingers were able to cross.
Mary kicked her legs in desperation. Her thoughts screaming for Dean, who was
still passed out on the floor. Worry in her heart for Sam. He hadn’t been
looking too good for the last few days and Mary wanted to take care of him. She
wanted to keep her sons safe from the dangers of life, illness and pain…from
hate. From John.
 
John huffed and release his wife’s neck but she was still and unbreathing.
Looking at her and feeling nothing he remained silent and got up to grab a beer
from the kitchen counter. Moving slowly throughout the house, looking at the
family photos and smashing the frames John made his way to the front door. He
walked right through it without a second thought. Never looking back.
 
Dean had finally come to when he heard the door slam.
                                  .   .   .  
Uncle Bobby’s house in Belleview was small and right around the corner from the
auto shop he owned. There Dean found work in order to pay for Sammy’s
treatments but it was all final. Dean could see it coming. That Sammy was going
to die to.
 
 Soon.  
 
It happened on a Monday. Right before Dean got up for work with Uncle Bobby. He
rolled over in the bed they shared to look over at Sam to see if he was awake.
To greet him in the mornings like he always did. But Sam’s eyes were closed and
his body was still…very still.
Slowly, Dean reached over and touched his brothers tiny shoulder. He had lost
so much weight over the past month and his shoulder was still warm. Sam had
died just moments before Dean woke up. His dreams were nothing short of a
strange peace within all the pain.
 
Young Samuel Winchester’s funeral was held on a Sunday at Belleview Cathedral,
a little church on the west side of town. The service was led by the Pastor
Charles Novak and there was barely anyone present that day. Just Dean, Uncle
Bobby and Aunt Ellen a few church elders and lastly the Pastor’s son. An
overweight boy with dark hair and big blue eyes who wore a plain black suit
that was wrinkled and a little too small on him.
 
Dean was completely lost. His heart so broken that he couldn’t cry. First Mary
and now Sammy. He sat back in his seat and sighed somberly. Pressing his lips
in anger as the Pastor preached on Heaven and hell. As the fat boy with the too
tight suit cried.
 
‘Why the fuck is he crying? He didn’t even know Sammy.’ Dean’s tightened his
fist making his knuckles pop. He shook out of anger and confusion. ‘Why the
fuck would he even care.’  Dean looked over at the boy who wiped his face and
suddenly look up at Dean.
 
 
Something was in the air as they stared at one another. A certain heaviness in
the atmosphere. Dean’s mind and heart was filled with animosity while Castiel’s
was filled with pain and suffering for other reasons. Castiel had been barely
paying attention to the funeral as he cried. He had been tearing up all morning
since Charles hit him again for taking too long in the bathroom.
“Hurry your fucking ass up Castiel!!” Charles roared and pushed Castiel in the
hallway of their home. Holding his head down low, Castiel did as he was told.
Ignoring the fact that he had gained more weight and that he wouldn’t be able
to fit his old suit.
At the church Castiel wept and vomited in the men’s bathroom before coming into
the sanctuary. He was in pain and feeling sick to his stomach because he wasn’t
eating properly. And days went pass with Castiel forcing himself to throw up.
Not in hopes to lose weight but that he would die somehow.
Castiel was jealous of the boy inside the coffin. He didn’t know who Sam
Winchester was but he deeply envied him. To be finally laid to rest, free from
the world and all the shit in it. Castiel wanted to be in there. In the ground.
In Heaven…or even hell. Because nowhere can be worse than the alleyway on
Kirk’s street.   
 
After the funeral was finally over and Sammy was buried Reverend Novak and his
son came over to the Singer’s and Dean. Giving their apologies and condolences.
“If you ever need anything we’re here.” Castiel said to the taller, older boy
in a recited way with a forced smile and an extended hand.
Dean looked at the plump boy and suddenly became infuriated.
“Yeah… right.”  He scoffed and slapped Castiel’s hand away in front of
everyone.
“Dean!” Bobby and Ellen exclaimed. But Dean stomped out of the sanctuary before
anyone else could say anything. Leaving the church and walking away from
everything.  
 
 
There was just nothing much left in life for Dean Winchester now. Nothing…so
Dean let himself go. Days passed while he lost all control. Internally he
snapped and became someone he barely recognized. Sneaking into the town’s bars,
getting into brawls with older men and drinking to the point of passing out on
the street. Never returning back to Uncle Bobby’s Dean began to make cash by
sleeping with same old truckers he fought.
Allowing them to do things to him for small wads of cash that Dean would just
go spend on more booze. Vomiting in a random bar’s bathroom Dean finally cried.
“Sammy…” He sobbed and stumbled over to the mirror. The lights flickered dim
with a bluish glow. And Dean couldn’t recognize himself in the mirror. Not his
sandy light brown hair or his deep green eyes. His hair was disheveled and
matted. His eyes were strange and harsh. Lips busted and bruised from the
fights. The bitter taste of cum still in the back of his throat from going down
on man for twenty dollars. Just for another case of beer. Or a bottle of
whiskey. Dean didn’t see the seventeen-year-old he once was. The one who loved
his mom and took care of his little brother; the one who loved music, art,
cartoons and video games. Dean didn’t see anything but hurt and anguish. Thick
confusion and tears. His heart ripped in half as he realized what he had been
doing to himself.
But it was too late. Sammy and Mary were dead and John was too far off so Dean
couldn’t kill him the way he wanted. There was just no use in living.
 
“The soul last forever. Either in eternal peace or eternal damnation.”Pastor
Novak had preached. Saying that good people go to heaven and bad people go to
hell. Sammy had been a great boy. A loving soul. Dean knew he was in heaven….
but after all that has happened Dean wasn’t too sure for himself. But he didn’t
care because there was no point in anything.
 
‘And there was no point in killing myself either.’ Dean thought as he now stood
by the town’s bridge. ‘Because if the soul lives forever then I will still be
alive in hell…whatever the fuck that means.’ Dean shook his head and stood on
the edge of the bridge. Tears falling down his face.
‘There’s no point living or dying because if I can’t destroy my soul then I
can’t be free of this pain. I won’t be able to let go of them. But I just can’t
do this anymore….’
 
Dean leaned forward slowly and fell into the deep water below.
===============================================================================
Sheriff Jody Mills stepped out the patrol car and headed in the Singer’s home.
Bobby’s face dropped as he heard the news holding onto Ellen as she cried. Dean
had been missing for two weeks and he was found lying face down on the east
side river shore by Sheriff Mills and her partner Donna Hanscum.
“DONNA, HE’S ALIVE!!!” Jody shouted when she had checked for a pulse. Officer
Hanscum’s eyes shot open wide and she called for an ambulance immediately.
 
 
 
***** Thoughts. *****
Chapter Summary
     "Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much.
     There's no need for us to rush it through.
     Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much
     This is more than just a new lust for you"
     ---Drake & Sampha, "Too much."
One month later...
      Dean walked into the narrow crowded halls of Oswald High school heading
to his assigned locker. Putting away his belongings he sighed and thought of
Aunt Ellen and Uncle Bobby. After Dean was released from the hospital they
worked hard to get Dean enrolled back into school during the middle of the
semester. And it was discussed with multiple counselors and the principal that
Dean would have to attend summer classes to keep from falling further behind.
 
“Going to school will do you some good Dean. Better than working at the
garage.” Bobby said to Dean as he signed the enrollment papers.
Dean hadn’t said much but he agreed to it. He was still lost within himself…but
a month in the hospital made Dean yearn for a change of scenery. Anything will
be better that white walls and the sound of people crying in the middle of the
night.
“And maybe this will be a good time for you to make some new friends.” Aunt
Ellen hugged Dean before he headed off to into the hall. Dean nodded
nonchalantly. She meant well but Ellen knew Dean didn’t want friends. He wanted
his brother and mother back. That’s all he wanted. But still Ellen did what she
could for her nephew and made sure he had everything he needed for his first
day back to school. Notebooks, pencils and folders and whatever else that could
be found around the house and at the local dollar store.
 
Dean was appreciative but he didn’t say anything that morning. he just hugged
Ellen and waved good bye to Bobby before leaving the principal’s office and
heading into the hall.     
 
Ignoring the stares and whispers of others who wondered who he was Dean
continued to head straight to his locker and began to put his things away.
 
Sighing as he shoved his backpack into the tiny space Dean kept his mind and
expression blank. He didn’t like the other students staring at him. Rolling his
eyes as some girls giggled,
“He’s cute.” As they walked passed by. It reminded Dean of his old high school.
Girls fawning over him and wanting to be with him. He had loved the attention
actually. And found it funny when Sammy had asked him questions about what it
was like. Dean didn’t know actually back at that time. He never really been
with the girls. Just made out with them mostly and being relieved whenever a
girl decided to stop.
Things didn’t change for Dean until he had finally kissed his oldest friend,
Benny. Benny had kissed Dean back immediately afterward. They were in his
apartment and Dean had been wanting to kiss someone for a while. He just didn’t
know that he was gay or better yet he just ignored his feelings until he
couldn’t ignore them any longer. And everything that night happened so fast and
slow at the same time. Dean moaning from the bottom of his gut. Shivering to
the bone as Benny Lafitte took his virginity. Kissing him everywhere….
 
But that was ages ago…and Benny was gone.
Just like Mary and Sammy.
 
            Dean frowned deeply at the sudden heartbreaking reminder. He
slammed his locker closed and scoffed when it popped back open. Broken. Turning
away and not caring Dean intended to leave out the back entrance of the school.
It was an act that he was going to be in class but honestly Dean didn’t feel
ready to be around other people. Especially the stupid clueless girls who would
want his attention. Walking toward the black double doors Dean shoved his fist
into his pockets and looked down trying not to be noticed. But as he walked
Dean glanced up and froze as he saw a familiar face.
 
A chubby boy with big blue eyes and black hair.
Pastor Novak’s son.
 
Castiel had just walked into the school from the back entrance. His hair wet
from the morning rain and his clothes dripping. Mindless and out of breath
Castiel went to his locker with his head held low not realizing that the older
boy was looking over at him.
 
“Hey.” Dean said simply when Castiel was passing. Castiel’s head shot up and he
looked to see who was talking to him.  Not immediately recognizing the older
boy Castiel blinked with a perplex expression. He was just in shock that
someone was talking to him.
 
Their eyes locked together in a strange confusion. And the same heaviness from
once before held the air.
Dean blinked noticing Castiel’s swollen cheek and busted lip.
Castiel blushed a little and looked at Dean hardened green eyes... feeling
frightened for a moment until he noticed something sad about them. Then
suddenly Cas remembered the funeral   and realized who he was standing next to.
 
“D-dean Winchester…It’s Dean right?” Castiel asked timidly.
Dean nodded blandly.
Castiel nodded to…and felt stupid in the awkward silence that fell between the
two of them until Dean said, “Sorry for that day. I should have shaken your
hand.”
Castiel was confused until he remembered what Dean had done after the funeral.
“It’s no problem.” Castiel said pressing his lips together and realizing that
he was used to worse treatment. And use to the fact that no one ever really
apologized to him.
Dean caught the sound of the younger boy’s tone and sensed something off.
Narrowing his brow, he found the question coming out of his mouth before he
could think,  
 
“What happened there?” he motioned toward Castiel’s freshly bruised face and
Castiel turned red with raw shame. Remembering how Charles had been drinking
that morning and Castiel had just got out of his bed when his father came into
his bedroom and shut the door…
 
Castiel blinked away the harsh memory and slowly came back to the present
moment.
He touched his tender face and shook his head at the older boy standing in
front of him. Frowning.
 
“Okay.” Dean said simply when Cas didn’t answer and turned to leave the school
until Castiel finally asked,
“Where are you going?”
 
Dean looked back at the younger boy just as the bell rang. The hallway clearing
out quickly. Everyone scattering like roaches. The two boys staring at each
other for a moment. Feeling the same heaviness in the air their eyes met.
Castiel waited for the older boy to respond. But Dean just shook his head and
turned to leave.
 
Castiel watching as Dean Winchester stepped out into the rain.  
===============================================================================
 
Castiel kicked off his shoes and climbed into his bed as soon as he made it
home from school that day. Trying to sleep he couldn’t help but think of Dean
Winchester’s green eyes and sandy brown and thinner build. Castiel breathed
staring at the ceiling and began to feel strange.
His heart racing and inner thighs twitching.
Placing a hand on his chest Castiel felt his heart beat. It thumped painfully
at the thought of the older boy…that young man. Who was rather attractive and
looked too lonely for understanding.
But Castiel could understand. He could understand Dean Winchester very much…
 
Gabriel.
Michael.
Mom.
 
Castiel opened his eyes slowly. It had been so long since he had thought of
them. Nowadays it’s just Castiel and Charles in the house. Only a few members
at Charles’ church since the incident.
 
Castiel rolled over in his bed hearing the springs squeak as he turned. He
thought of his mother, Naomi, and two older brothers. He thought of how his
mother left after Gabriel hung himself in the basement and how Michael was
arrested for trying to kill their father.

Castiel laid still remembering it all. Pushing back the memories and so sick of
crying Castiel immediately thought of Dean Winchester again. Feeling his heart
race little bit more and scared of himself Castiel ignored his sudden erection.
 
Gathering his pillows and trying to cover himself. Pushing down his stiffness.
Trying to remember how it was a sin. That it was wrong to think this way.
Castiel was half way there; nearly free from his abrupt desire until the razor
sharp thought struck.
Dean Winchester had freckles…beautiful light freckles and long lashes… a deep
thick voice and a firm body.
 
Castiel rolled over on top of his pillow beginning to move against it gingerly.
Trying not to make too much noise just in case his father came home. He pushed
back his sorrowful thoughts and depression all the while praying that it would
stay quiet in the house long enough for him to concentrate on his pillow.
Oh…how it was too soft for him to handle and Castiel’s legs and backside shook
as he humped and bounced. The soft fabric swallowing his manhood whole Castiel
rolled his eyes back and whimpered as he moved.
Trying desperately to not think too explicitly of the young man he barely knew
Castiel only focused on the thought of Dean Winchester’s lips and freckles.
But it was enough to send him over board. Pumping wildly until the bed began to
shake and stopping only for a moment to push down his pants and underwear.
Then—
“Ah!” He moaned deeply when he returned his manhood to the softness of the
pillow. His mouth hanging open as pleasure sizzled through his nerves. Grinding
harder and moaning low Castiel began to let himself imagine Dean doing things
to him. He didn’t want to think this way at first…Castiel wanted to be a ‘good
boy’ and tried to keep his thoughts tamed. But suddenly he released all he held
back for a sheer moment… Feeling all his fantasies rush through.
Castiel ravished his pillow. Thrusting monstrously, he let go of all his fear
and frustration and just began to go…. go and go. Moving savagely until….
 
“AWW!”
 
Castiel clutched onto his headboard as he exploded violently. His buttocks
clutching and tremoring. His belly convulsing and his limbs turning to jelly.
Collapsing he breathed. Feeling the wetness of cum soak the fabric of his
pillow and stick to his thighs. Huffing and puffing in relief and relaxation.
He felt free to finally be himself for only just a precious moment.  
 
Then Cas heard the front door slam. Charles was returning home from the church.
 
“CASTIEL GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW!!!”
===============================================================================
 
            Dean stole a bottle of beer out of the fridge before going to his
room. Bobby didn’t want Dean at the garage anymore and Aunt Ellen was working
at the motel up on Vagar’s street near the freeway. So Dean relished in having
the house to himself. He drank his beer in slow gulps and headed to his
bedroom.
 
Lying down on the little twin size bed that he once shared with Sammy Dean
sighed and drank. Trying desperately not to think of Sam or Mary or even his
father. Dean let his mind go empty so he could process the day. Lying still,
 staring at the ceiling drinking the beer and  listening to the neighbors next
door argue.  
 
Dean had began to drift off when the thoughts of dark hair and big blue eyes
came rushing into his mind. Then he realized that he never really got the boy’s
name. He just knew that the boy was the pastor’s son; A friendly and shy kid.
Without much reason Dean wondered about the bruises on the boy’s face. The
swelling on his cheek and the cut on his lip. There was nothing but pain in the
younger boy’s eyes when Dean mindlessly asked, “what happened there?” Dean
didn’t mean to be invasive or anything. He just couldn’t help but ask.
 
Dean blinked as he continued to think of Pastor Novak’s son. Realizing that the
boy had a pleasant face. Mild and sad. His eyes full of so much sorrow and hurt
especially after that question. Dean wondered more about the boy and didn’t
understand why he cared so much. He just did for whatever reason.
Dean sighed again and turned over on his side intending to fall asleep. Letting
the beer bottle hit the floor and roll to the other side of the small room.
His mind went blank again before Dean thought of Pastor Novak’s son again and
he desperately tried to remember his name. Taking the blanket and pillow and
hugging it around him Dean randomly thought of the boy’s plump body. He was
short and pudgy. Not obese but just short and fully figured.
Dean hugged the pillow closer to his own body and wondered how nice it would be
to hold someone like that close. Tears coming to his eyes Dean curled into a
ball as he slowly began to grind his hips.  
***** Savage *****
Chapter Summary
     "Stay with me
     As we cross the empty skies
     Come sail with me
     We play in dreams
     As we cross the space and time
     Just stay with me"
     ---Deftones, "Rosemary."
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Two days later
     Castiel was slammed against the bathroom wall hard by Asmodeus and his
brothers. Punching Castiel in the gut and making him curl over in pain.
"Come on! You guys said you wouldn’t mess with me anymore!" Castiel cried out.
Ramiel and Azazel laughed and Asmodeus knelt down in front of Cas.
"Do you think we were just going to let you go free. You didn’t even do the
job, fat ass."
Cas whimpered looking at Asmodeus’ intimidating face. He remembered the day in
the alleyway. It was crystal clear in his mind.
                                   .   .   .
                                        
Castiel had gotten to his knees with his stomach lurching. His mouth going
painfully dry as Asmodeus pulled out his cock. Castiel’s mind going blank as
the older boy grabbed him by the head. Tugging at his dark hair and dragging
Castiel closer. But Castiel turned his head away and struggled before Asmodeus
could do anything to him. Realizing what was happening to him and what he just
agreed to do.
 
At the last minute Castiel changed his mind. Realizing that he was worth much
more than giving himself up in a cold dirty alleyway. That He much rather be
beaten to a pulp everyday by the Prince brothers for the rest of his life
instead of going down on anyone of them. 
But Asmodeus' grip was strong and he worked hard trying to get Cas to open his
mouth.
"Open your fucking mouth. You stupid fat bitch and take this dick."
 
"No! Castiel screamed and Asmodeus pushed away. “Let me go, you fucking
asshole!”
“Oh shit, looks like piggy doesn’t want to eat dick anymore. BOYS!” Asmodeus
called for his brothers and Azazel and Ramiel laughed as they came and beat Cas
down.
 
Ramiel holding down Cas’ limbs while Azazel forced Castiel’s jaw open. and
“We’ll get you to eat something alright.” Azazel chuckled evilly. “Hey
Asmodeus, bust it on his face!”
Asmodeus laughed and stepped forward. Castiel struggled in the Ramiel’s and
Azazel’s grip. Fear and anger ripping through his body. The boys laughing while
Asmodeus began to jerk his cock over Castiel’s face. Aiming for his mouth.
That’s when the cop car pulled up.
 
“HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BOYS DOING!” Officer Donna Hanscum came running
toward the group realizing what was going on near the dumpster.  
 
Ramiel and Azazel let Castiel drop to the ground and ran for it. Asmodeus
struggled to get his pants up as his brothers left him behind.
“Hey you idiots wait up!” he forced up his jeans and ran for it before Officer
Hanscum could catch him. The three boys turned the corner and headed toward the
adjacent alleyway on Locks street. Jumping over gates and toward the old
marketplace area where they could separate within a crowd of people.
Donna Hanscum only run to the very of Locks street before realizing that she
wouldn’t be able to catch the boys. And ultimately she thought of how the
victim was far more important. 
            “Who were they?” Donna asked but Castiel shook his head refusing to
tell. Donna furrowed her brows realizing who the boy was. Pastor Novak’s son...
“Don’t tell my dad please. Please…just…. don’t tell him.” Castiel begged
suddenly. Donna shook her head and took the boy home. Meaning well She informed
Charles Novak what had happened. But as soon as she left the house and drove
off in her patrol car Charles Novak ripped off his belt and turned toward
Castiel.....
 
                                  .    .    .
 
     Now in the boy’s bathroom at school, Asmodeus and his brothers started to
viciously kick and punch Castiel as he lied on the bathroom floor crying for
help. They tore off his baggy clothes and dumped his supplies out of his bag
into the toilets.
“No stop it!” Castiel begged as Azazel unzipped his pants and urinated on
Castiel’s bundled up clothes as well as his backpack.
 
Asmodeus lit a cigarette and cocked a brow but it was Ramiel who said,
“Dude, that’s cruel! At least let him have his clothes ‘Zazel.” Ramiel laughed
anyway and then stepped forward and punched Castiel until his face was bloody.
His face swelling and his mouth filling up with blood.
 
Asmodeus blew the smoke from his lungs and watched. Grinning as his brothers
continue to torment the poor Sophomore. Castiel passing out from one last
punch.  
 
“Let’s just fuck him.” Azazel said with his pants still unzipped. Ramiel
shrugged and Asmodeus nodded,
“Go for it then. Anit nobody coming in here.” Which was true school was over
with for the day and the security guards were busy with making sure their
weren’t any fight going on the outside of campus. The school was practically
deserted.
 
  Ramiel slapped Castiel awake “Hey chubbo, we want you up for this!” than
pinned Cas down to the floor by his wrist. Azazel kicked Castiel’s legs open
and climb on top of him. Castiel opened his eyes slowly and started to barely
care anymore. Nothing was going to change for him and this is what he was use
to so he decided not to fight. 
The bathroom door opened suddenly and Dean stepped in.
 
“Dean Winchester!” Asmodeus spoke through the smoke coming out of his mouth.
Dean came closer to Asmodeus and took his cigarette when it was offered.  
“What the fuck is going in here?” Dean asked. He only knew Asmodeus and his
brothers from one night in a bar when they watched Dean take on two truckers in
a fight. Dean emerging victorious with blood on his face.
 
“Nothing, the boys are just having some fun with that.” Asmodeus pointed as
Castiel squirmed underneath Ramiel and Azazel, crying. And Castiel was too lost
in himself to hear Dean Winchester’s voice as he spoke with Asmodeus. He just
let himself shut down. Waiting for it to be over.
 
Dean looked over at the boy and realized it was him and further realized what
Azazel and Ramiel were doing to the plump boy. Dean remained stoic and stared
with harsh eyes, smoking the cigarette. Azazel hadn’t started yet…he was too
busy with jerking his own cock awake. Dean saw it and allowed his eyes to
squint in anger.
 
“You want in on that Winchester?” Asmodeus chuckled nodding toward the corner
Castiel was in and reaching for the cigarette. But Dean took another drag.
 
Then blew the smoke in Asmodeus’ face. Animosity filling the air and before
Asmodeus Prince could react Dean took his face into one hand and smashed the
back of his head into the bathroom mirror in a savage thrust. Asmodeus hit the
floor screaming in pain. Blood pouring out his wound scalp heavily. And Before
Ramiel and Azazel could get up and defend their brother Dean ran up and kicked
Ramiel under his jaw brutally. Feeling something crack from the kick.
 
Dean dragged Azazel off of Castiel. Pulling the would be rapist across the
floor into a bathroom stall. Smashing his face into the filthy toilet bowl.
Holding him there. Feeling him struggle, kick and thrash… until his body went
still. Dean finally pulled Azazel’s head out of the toilet and watched him
vomit up the dirty water. Gasping and crawling at the floor throat for air.
 
Dean stepped out the stall and immediately helped Castiel get up off the floor.
Not saying anything, nothing but the sound of the Prince brother’s screams and
groans filling the air, Dean took off his oversized jacket and placed it around
Castiel’s trembling shoulders. Castiel looked up at Dean Winchester…. mindless,
scared and shivering. Dean looked at the boy and slowly took his hand. Finally
saying, “Come with me.” 
Chapter End Notes
     just another small chapter for today as I continue to marathon write
     this fic.
***** Profound Bond. *****
Chapter Summary
     "Yes I do, I believe
     That one day I will be, where I was
     Right there, right next to you
     And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
     The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you"
     ---Sam Smith, "Lay Me Down"
“I never really got your name.” Dean Winchester said to Castiel Novak as they
walked quickly together. Cutting through the back field of the school so no one
would see Castiel’s beaten body.
“Cas.” Castiel replied to Dean. “…my name is Castiel.”
===============================================================================
 
       Castiel sat on the bed in Dean Winchester’s bedroom as Dean rummaged for
fresh clothes in Uncle Bobby’s bedroom. Holding Dean’s jacket close to his body
Castiel smelled the hot smell of alcohol. His eyes roamed the room. It was
plain and undecorated excepted for a few worn posters and some dirty clothes in
the corner. Castiel didn’t care he just needed something to focus on as he sat
alone for a moment.
Dean came back into the bedroom with a pair of old sweat pants and a large
white tee shirt.
“These should fit.” He handed the clothes to Castiel.    
“Thank you.” Cas said in a whimper. Dean nodded and turned away as Castiel put
on the shirt and sweat pants. It felt inappropriate as for what had happened
that day…Castiel had nearly been raped and Dean wanted to make sure that the
younger boy was comfortable and okay. At least just a little bit. Though for
some reason Dean couldn’t help but to look every spilt second or so…
 
Castiel’s thick body was covered in deep red bruises. Welts and harsh scars all
around his sides and arms. Blemishes on his stomach and tiny cuts marks around
his thighs.
 
“Did they do that?” Dean asked. Castiel nodded somberly and finished dressing
himself. Trying not to cry in front of the older boy Castiel wiped his eyes and
took a deep breath and stood. Preparing to go home and face his father until
Dean stopped him.
 
“We should go to police. Sheriff Mills and Officer Hanscum are good people
and—“ Dean said but Castiel shook his head immediately.
            “My dad doesn’t really care about me. He’d kill me if he ever found
out that I let this sort of thing happen again.”
 
Dean was perplexed by the boy’s words. “Again?” Dean couldn’t help but asked.
“This has happened before?”
 
Castiel nodded slightly than said, “I’m supposed to be home near three
everyday…”
The clock on Dean’s little dresser turned to five o clock.
Castiel frowned knowing what was waiting for him.
That’s when the tears came down. 
Neither one of the boys expected it to so fast.
It just happened as Dean stepped forward without thinking and took Castiel
Novak into his arms.
Holding him firmly. 
            Dean had been aching…fighting the ache to hold Castiel since they
made it into the house. Not knowing how Cas would receive the embrace Dean held
back until he couldn’t any longer. Feeling Cas shake as he held him tighter.
Feeling his soft body against his own.
Dean groaned in the feel of it and Castiel whimpered as he pulled his arms free
only for a second…only to hold Dean back.
            Castiel didn’t want anything more than to be held. And Dean’s arms
were so tight around him that Cas began to weep out. Trembling and wanting for
so much more. Not sex…nothing like that at all. But love…or something that felt
like love. Something to get his mind off of what has happened to him…
Castiel broke free again as he needed to cry out his pain. He couldn’t believe
it all but it was happening and Dean cupped Cas’ soft face in his palms….
wiping away Castiel’s tears with calloused thumbs.
“Dean?” Castiel looked up just as Dean suddenly asked in a timid whisper,
 
“Can I kiss you?”
 
The room went far more silent then it ever had been as Castiel and Dean stood
together. Their eyes meeting and studying each other. Reading through all the
sorrow, pain and confusion. Castiel’s very slight nod led to the sudden warmth
melting their insides as their lips met slowly. Their hands growing numb as
they held onto each other. The kiss was a silent agreement between them. A
profound bond of protection and safety. Dean kissed Castiel passionately as a
promise to protect him and Castiel felt safer than he ever had before in Dean
Winchester’s arms that day.
 
===============================================================================
 
It took days but with Dean’s guidance Castiel finally opened up to the police
about what happened in the bathroom and also in the alleyway. The investigation
went quickly as Donna Hanscum provided a firm witness account for what happened
before and Dean was questioned heavily on his actions when he saw what the
Princes did. Dean told the complete truth and Castiel was there to back him up.
The day finally came when The police rushed into the classroom just as the
Prince brothers were laughing with their friends. Joking about the new couple
at the school; Dean and Cas. Asmodeus was the first one to be dragged and
slammed down to the floor than handcuffed. Then there was Azazel. Then Ramiel.
The boys were arrested and sent away for assault and battery as well as
attempted rape in front of the entire school.
Rumor's spread like wildfire...but Castiel didn't care he just smiled
gratefully at Dean when he heard the news.
***** I care. I care *****
Chapter Summary
     "Oh, let's not be alone
     Let's not be alone
     Let's be one
     Oh, let's not be alone
     Empty thoughts fill the room
     Breathe for me and I'll breathe for you"
     --Rihanna & Future "Selfish"
Chapter Notes
     Update: I added a few critical corrections to this chapter.
     I just thought it was about time for something happy <3
     hope you guys enjoy.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
 
A few weeks later on a Saturday afternoon. 
.  .   . 
 “What do you want to do today, Cas?” Dean asked as they sat at the local diner
eating burgers and drinking milkshakes. The day was oddly sunny yet
cold…typical Belleview weather. People rushed and moved throughout the
marketplace. Shopping for the upcoming holiday season. Christmas break was
coming soon and both Dean and Cas were looking forward to the time away from
school.
 Castiel rested his face into his palm and looked out the window. Dean reached
over and took a sip of Cas’ strawberry-vanilla milkshake. Castiel turned in
time to catch him.
“Heyy! You have your own!” Castiel laughed. Dean grinned and showed that his
was nearly gone.
“I’m still thirsty.” He said with a puppy dog pout and continued to drink Cas’
shake.
Castiel was actually happy that Dean took it. He had barely eaten his burger
and fries as he still felt uncomfortable to eat around Dean.
“I want to just chill out today.” Castiel finally answered Dean’s question.
“Maybe listen to some music at that old record store down the street.”
“Planet Records over on Miles or Muse Kings on Daisy?” Dean quizzed
immediately.
“Muse Kings.” Castiel answered without a second thought.
“Good taste!” Dean said slapping a five with Cas.
 
            There was dispute between both record stores in Belleview. Planet
Records was stylish and band new but Muse Kings was legendary and had variety
in both the old and new. It was the best place to be when looking for classic
turntables and the best music. While Planet Records had all the pop songs and
rooms for parties the items sold there was overly expensive. Plus, the place
crawled with annoying pre-teens who weren’t there to appreciate music but only
to look cool and taking selfies to post on their social media accounts. Dean
and Castiel paid for their lunch and headed over to the record store. There
Dean’s eyes grew wide as he pointed out the vinyl records for AC/DC, Led
Zeppelin and Kansas.
“All these guys…GODS. Rock gods!” Dean said with excitement and joy. He set up
a 'test me' AC/DC record on the turntable display.  “Back in Black”  started to
play and Dean turned to Cas nodding his head to the beat.
Watching Dean enjoy the music Castiel blushed and looked around. Realizing that
he and Dean may have liked the same record store but their general taste in
music was completely different. Castiel typically liked all kinds of music and
didn’t mind Rock at all. He loved a numerous amount of bands and artist. Though
today his mood for music was for more Trap-Soul, R & B and deep Hip Hop.
When Castiel confessed this Dean’s brows shot up to his hair line.
“Only the sort- of -soft rap songs… R&B really. Like SZA and Travis
Scott’s Love Galore.” Castiel defended immediately but it only made Dean laugh.
 “Ha-ha! And here I was thinking that you were about say that you only listen
to church music. But really Cas, who is your favorite artist?” Dean put down a
vinyl pack and studied Castiel’s blushing face.
“Well right now I like really like Kendrick Lamar and his song with that singer
Rihanna.” Castiel answered honestly. Wringing his hands together nervously
hoping Dean wouldn’t judge him.
“Loyalty.” Dean said realizing he had just heard on the radio the other day.
“Yeah!” Castiel exclaimed suddenly. Shocked that Dean knew the song. “There’s
even this one part of the music video for it that interlaces with this other
song called, ‘Pride’ it’s so smooth soft and meaningful. It’s beautiful to me.”
“Oh really…” Dean smirked widely seeing the brightness glimmer inside of
Castiel’s big blue eyes. Cas walked over to the Hip-Hop/R&B shelf that wasn’t
too far away and returned with the sample vinyl package of Kendrick Lamar’s
DAMN. album in his hand.
“The whole album is raw as hell and he isn’t one of those gibberish rappers.
His lyrics have a strong message to it and its just deep. The man’s has Soul, I
swear!” Castiel quickly pulled out the ‘test me’ record carefully and set it up
on the displayed turntable.
“Cas?” Dean said as Castiel slowly placed a large pair of headphones over
Dean’s ears.
Castiel placed the clip, pressed play and adjusted the volume. Dean’s eyes
winced as the song began to play.
“Love’s going to get you killed….
But pride’s going to be the death of you and you and me,
 you and you and me….”
 
Dean listened to the repetition. Feeling awkward at first…not understanding why
Castiel made him listen to a random song that constantly repeated itself…. It
was kind of annoying to begin with and Dean didn’t want to say anything. Hell,
he even thought that the record was broken for a moment. But as the song
continued the slow beat started...  And a soft vocalizing begun.
 
 
“Me, I wasn't taught to share, but care
In another life, I surely was there
Me, I wasn't taught to share,
but care I care, I care…”
 
Dean slowly closed his eyes and felt the lyrics as Kendrick Lamar began to rap.
His voice a low mellow, steady and deep. As the lyrics wrapped together and
rhythmed continuously. It all suddenly became rather… hypnotizing for Dean.
Something in his gut made him breathe heavily as he allowed the song and slow
melody to go through him and make him feel loose inside. Losing himself in it.
Becoming fearful of it somehow. Fearful of being so lost in it that he wouldn’t
come back to the surface of being. Being alive at this moment with Castiel. His
brow furrowing as he concentrated on the voices of Kendrick Lamar and Anna Wise
singing:
“Maybe I wasn’t there
Maybe I wasn't there
Maybe I wasn't there….”
Dean felt his heart flutter at the feel of the beat and yes he was lost indeed.
Gone. He wasn’t coming back to the surface…. No. the song ever so suddenly
ensnared Dean and he was certainly gone. The world swaying away. Castiel
standing close before him. Electricity in his presence.
Castiel smiled and grabbed a pair of headphones for himself than plugged them
up into the amplifier so he could listen as well. The soft beat and vocalizing
taking him completely. Taking him above from the surface so he could be with
Dean. Grabbing Dean’s hands, Cas allowed himself to get so lost in the music as
well.
The record store seemed to fade away and the lyrics began to blur together as
Castiel placed his head on Dean’s chest. just breathing. The music
continuing…Their hearts fluttering together.  
Dean placed a hand on the top of Castiel’s hair. Holding him and not caring if
anyone was looking. And people were looking.
The song changed over to something more heavy and Dean finally opened his eyes
slowly looking down at Cas. Taking off Castiel’s headphones before his own.
The older man behind the register stared at them in detest. Dean looked back in
defense but decided to not say anything to him.
“Let’s get lost.” Dean said to Castiel. Cas nodded immediate feeling the
other’s gaze. 
===============================================================================
                                        
In Dean’s bedroom the two laid together…listening to the music player on Cas’
cell phone and just talking. It was quiet in the house. Uncle Bobby was fast
asleep in his armchair with the TV on and Aunt Ellen still out shopping at the
marketplace.
“You boys stay out of trouble.” She had said when she ran into Dean and Cas
earlier in the day.
Then gave them cash so they could eat lunch at the diner.
 .  .  . 
Now with it being later in the afternoon, Dean hugged Castiel close in his bed.
Whispering secrets to him and kissing his shoulders, making him blush. Castiel
held onto Dean as the kisses continued. Ranging from his quivering lips, neck,
shoulders, chest and down his stomach.
“Dean…” Castiel breathed out while slowly opening his legs. Allowing Dean to
unzip his jeans. Dean didn’t think about what he was doing... He just moved
while pulling down Cas’ pants and kissing Castiel all over.
“hmm.” Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and shook as Dean tongued the fading
scars. Caressing marks and blemishes with his lips while
whispering, “Castiel.” Softly. Cas felt the goosebumps ripple through his body
when Dean said his name and kissed his inner thighs.
“Dean.” Cas repeated and Dean looked up at him from below.
“Do you want me to…” Dean began to ask when he went for Castiel’s boxers. Cas
nodded and ached as Dean tugged at his underwear slowly. Mindlessly lifting his
hips and feeling the cool air of the room surround his hardened groin.
 
Before there were any other words to be said between them Dean began to suck
slow. Careful and steady. Feeling Castiel’s breathing hitch and hands rub
through his sandy brown hair. His full thighs shivering and little quiet moans
escaping his throat.
Taking Cas’ hands Dean continued to suck…only stopping to pull off slowly to
kiss Castiel's thighs again.
Castiel shook hard and let out a small cry.
“It’s okay…I got you.” Dean whispered quickly and took Castiel back into his
mouth.
 Castiel squirmed and licked his lips. Narrowing his brows, feeling his chest
heave and his heart pound. Trying not to be too loud Castiel moaned into his
hands. Mumbling, “Dean,” over and over as tears poured out his eyes and rolled
down the sides of his face.
 
The soft song playing tenderly in the background.
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     Kendrick_Lamar_-_PRIDE.
***** Free *****
Chapter Summary
     "I’ve been waiting for the day
     You knew it was coming either way
     I know that you hate it
     But I’m freer than I’ve ever been
     Something that you’ve never been."
     ---6lack, "Free"
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
 Later that Saturday evening....
===============================================================================
 
         
        “Where the fuck you been, boy?”  Charles said as he sat in the living
room. Turning around in his armchair just as Castiel came into the house. 
“Nowhere…Just hanging out.” Castiel said casually hoping that his father
wouldn’t get up. Hoping that his father wouldn’t come toward him and hit him
for coming home late.  But Castiel rarely ever got what he wanted when it came
down to his father.
The bottle of whiskey was nearly empty on the coffee table.
Cas saw it and watched as his father got up out of his chair….
.   .    .
“Aww Dean!” Castiel had cried out breathlessly as he came. His body twitching
and shaking. More tears blinding his eyes as Dean swallowed.
.   .    .
Charles slapped his son and forced him to the floor. Shouting and cursing at
Castiel, ripping off his t-shirt.
.   .    .
Dean kissed Castiel lovingly... groaning his name as they moved in the bed,
making the springs screeched quietly. Their bodies meeting and collapsing into
each other as they touched.
.   .    .
Castiel attempted to get up and run away from his father. Tired of being beaten
and hurt by him the boy headed for the front door. He had to get out of the
house…but Charles caught his son by the back of his head and dragged him back
down to the living room floor.
.   .    .
The music played softly and the glow of Cas’ cell phone illuminated the dark
bedroom.
 Castiel gasped and saw nothing but stars as Dean inserted a warm finger inside
him. 
.   .    .
 
Charles pressed all his weight on top of his son.
Knowing that Castiel will give up eventually and give into him.
 .   .    .
“D-dean!” Castiel whimpered as Dean began to thrust his hand. Forcing his
fingers in and out rapidly and gripping Cas’ writhing hips tightly. Loving how
Cas felt.
 .   .    .
“Stupid Fat worthless piece of shit!” Charles shouted and tore off the rest of
Castiel’s clothes.
“Dad! Don’t! Please!” Cas cried. “Dad! DAD! STOP IT!”
 .   .    .
Castiel was lost in Dean’s arms and he struggled to breathe as pleasure
overwhelmed him. As Dean continuously kissed and stroked him.
 .   .    .
Charles whipped Castiel with the buckle end of his belt.
Lashing at the young boy’s skin until it was raw and bleeding.
 .   .    .
 “Cas.” Dean pulled out slow as Castiel sobbed.
Believing he had done something wrong.
But Castiel shook his head quickly and kissed Dean hard, opening his legs
wider.
===============================================================================
 Castiel screamed and thrashed against the floor as the metal buckle ripped at
his skin.
He thought of Dean and how he had kissed his scars.
How Dean made love to him in his bedroom.
The soft music playing.
 
"DEAN-N!!!!" Castiel bellowed as his father began to whip him more monstrously.
“So that’s where you been, huh! Hanging out with that fucking sissy!” Charles
shouted and lashed at the poor boy again and again.
 
Charles Novak heard many things about the boy, Dean Winchester. The rumors ran
through the entire town of Belleview after young Sammy Winchester’s funeral.
Especially after Dean went missing. People constantly whispered about the boy
who had been going to the bars, drinking heavily and starting fights. Pastor
Charles Novak heard everything about Dean indeed…especially the prostitution
with the truckers on the outskirts of town.
 
“What have you been letting that filthy sinner do to you, huh?” Charles stood
over his son and forced him over onto his bleeding stomach.
“D-dad!” Cas cried curling into a ball, trying to get up. But his father
stomped on his back making him lay flat against the floor.
 
“You been having sex with that boy haven’t you, Cas?” Charles got down to the
floor and grabbed Castiel by the hips. Pulling them upward.
 
“No! No!” Castiel lied immediately; whimpering and knowing exactly what his
father was about to do to him. “I haven’t… Daddy please! I haven’t! I’m not
gay! I don’t like boys I promise! I promise!!!”
Charles ignored his son and forced Castiel’s boxers down to the back of his
knees.
            The room went still and silent for Cas as he felt his father’s
hands on his backside. His heart dropping as his father opened him up. Checking
Castiel’s rectum for evidence of semen.  
There wasn’t any…. because Dean never penetrated Castiel in that way.
Charles let Castiel go swiftly and got up off of the floor.
Simply walking away without saying anything.
The older man grabbed his whiskey bottle and finished it off as he went into
his bedroom.
Numb and shaking with shock, Castiel laid still on the floor for a moment.
He had thought that it was finally over when the Prince brothers went to jail…
He thought he was finally free.... and it had been so long since the last time
Charles checked him that Castiel thought his father had finally stopped doing
it.
Castiel sniffled heavily picking up his clothes and putting them on slowly.
Tears burning his eyes and blurring his vision Castiel thought of how much he
missed his big brother, Gabriel….and ultimately remembering the reasons why
Gabriel killed himself.
 
Chapter End Notes
     This short chapter was inspired by scenes in the films, " Introducing
     Dorothy Dandridge" and "The Reader"
     DISCLAIMER: I have been influenced by both films for only artistic
     purposes and I am no way taking credit away from the writers. All
     respectful credit is provided above.
***** Leviticus 18:22 *****
Chapter Summary
     "No masters or kings when the ritual begins
     There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin
     In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
     Only then I am human
     Only then I am clean
     Amen, Amen, Amen."
     --Hozier, "Take Me To Church."
Sunday morning.
===============================================================================
 
Castiel sat in church nervously as his father preached on the fruits of the
spirit, vices, fornication and lastly homosexuality.
“IT IS AN ABOMINATION!!!!” Pastor Novak shouted at the top of his lungs in
anger and the very few church members clapped their hands and shouted back,
“AMEN!”
            “It doesn’t make sense for two men to be together in that fashion,
nor two women! They cannot procreate and it’s against God’s will! It is an
indecent, destructive, foul sin that with destroy the righteous structure our
society is built upon…. Open your bibles and turn to Leviticus 18:22.”
 
Trying to be sinless and righteous like everyone else Castiel anxiously opened
his tiny bible and began to read the scripture along with the rest of the
congregation. Knowing that his father was looking at him. Making sure that he
was following along. Castiel knew what his father expected of him. And anxiety
ravaged through every cell in his plump body as he read the scripture aloud:
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind. It is an abomination.”
 
Pastor Novak expected his son to shout and praise God like a good Christian boy
should every Sunday. He expected Castiel to cry at the altar and be prayed
over. To allow the prayers to heal him and rid him of his homosexuality. And
young Castiel did exactly what his father wanted of him.
During the altar call Castiel stood and cried loudly. Weeping and falling to
the floor as Pastor Novak prayed over him.
The church elders laid their hands on Castiel as they prayed as well. Pouring
blessed oil on his forehead and covering Castiel in the white blanket of grace.
 
Cas sobbed hard and convulsed. Feverishly calling out to God and asking for
forgiveness.
 Truthfully.
 
Castiel felt a sudden conviction in his heart as he laid on the altar floor. It
was heavy…harsh and unyielding. It stayed on him and took away his ability to
breathe, see or think. Castiel felt as if he would die if he didn’t scream loud
enough. If he didn’t pray hard enough. If he hadn’t confessed his sins aloud in
front of the entire church. His voice echoing against the walls…vibrating all
the way to the roof.
 
The words poured out nonstop.
Everything from what happened between him and Balthazar in freshman year...the
loneliness…the attempted rapes…the masturbation and how Dean made love to him
in the bedroom with secular music playing low.
People shook their heads and listened. Their gossip confirmed true. The saints
of Belleview Cathedral now knew everything about Castiel Novak. They knew of
his sins, his fears, his love and his yearning. And really they didn’t care.
They all just wanted to get Sunday service over with.
===============================================================================
“Hey Cas! what’s up I didn’t hear from you at all yesterday.” Dean walked up to
Castiel on Monday morning with a big smile on his face. Happy to see Cas Dean
had planned to walk up to him and kiss him on the cheek. But his smile dropped
quickly when he noticed the new scars, swollen welts and bandages.
 
Castiel didn’t look up at Dean.
He just gathered his books for class, thoughtlessly.
Closing his locker and walking away with his books held close to his chest.
Head hanging low.
 
“Cas!” Dean rushed up and stopped Castiel. Grabbing him by the arm and
accidently making his books fall to the floor.
Cas knelt down to pick them, remaining silent.
Dean knelt beside him attempting to help. “Castiel, what happened?” he asked
gently reaching out for Castiel’s wrist.
 
Castiel backed away from Dean’s reach. Looking to the floor and frowning
deeply.
Dean stepped closer, “Was it your dad?” he asked in a whisper.
Castiel looked up at the older boy with puffy bloodshot eyes. He had been
crying since that Saturday night…
 
“Castiel.” Dean wanted nothing more than to comfort Cas but as he got closer to
him Castiel backed away again.  
“Don’t…” Cas mumbled, shook his head and walked away. Leaving Dean perplexed in
the hallway as the bell rang.... 
 
===============================================================================
 
Castiel…. what happened, baby?
                                                -Dean
 
Cas lied under the covers of his bed watching the text message appear on his
phone one after another. Castiel scrolled through reading and deleting them one
by one.
 
And something in Dean’s heart knew that Castiel was avoiding his texts. So he
continued to send them constantly. Drinking another beer as he sat on his
bedroom floor. Rubbing the sheets on the bed…remembering Cas’ moans.
Worry and fear ripping through him. Dean was upset with himself for not making
Castiel stay the night on Saturday. When they had finished Castiel rushed out
knowing he was in trouble.
 
The clock had read eight o clock and Castiel had struggled to get his pants up.
 
“Oh no! Oh my God! Dad is going to be pissed!”
 
“Castiel, I don’t get it why is he so hard on you. It’s not like you’re me,”
Dean forced a laugh but it was true. He could see it. Castiel was a good boy.
Sweet as can be and he deserved so much more.
“Dean…” Castiel realized what Dean meant. The older boy came over to him and
kissed Cas’ forehead.
“You don’t understand.” Castiel mumbled low.
“But do you? Cas…you said he beats you.” Dean whispered. Castiel nodded
remembering the many things he shared with Dean through tears and sobs. That
not all the bruises, and scars were from the Prince brother’s bullying.
 
“Stay here with me…you know Uncle Bobby and Aunt Ellen won’t mind.” Dean
continued to speak softly. Taking Castiel’s wrist in his hands and pressing his
lips to the younger boy’s cheek.
     
Castiel shook his head and wished he had the courage to stay out all night. But
out of fear he gulped and forced himself to go home. to face the consequences
not knowing how severe they would become.
But still Castiel had smiled that night when Dean said, “Let me walk you home.”
.    .    .  
            Now he lied still in his small bed. Deleting Dean’s messages and
repeating the bible scriptures in his head. Trying to stay sane. Trying to stay
pure…Trying not to think about his father’s heavy hands spreading open his
backside and forcing his fingers through…
 
Trying desperately to not think of Gabriel and what Charles did to him… But
Castiel remembered it. Without warning the memory resurfaced brutally in his
mind and he closed his eyes as his heart rapped against his breastplate.
 
He had been there in the bedroom with them. As Charles whipped Gabriel and
checked him just the same.
“CASSIE! CASSIE!” Gabriel bellowed kicking and screaming while his father
ripped at his pants and underwear. “CASTIEL DON’T LOOK! GET OUT! GET OUT!”
Charles Novak punched his second son viciously then shouted at Cas,
“YOU FUCKING STAY RIGHT THERE, YOU’RE NEXT, BOY!”
 
Castiel was frozen with fear and trauma. Shaking. Not knowing what to do. But
Gabriel saw his chance and reached around and punched his father.
“DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING TOUCH HIM!!! CASTIEL’S ONLY ELEVEN!”
Charles received the strike and saw nothing butred…Gabriel screamed and
thrashed as Charles forced his way on top of him. The bed springs squeaking
from the weight.
Charles spat heavily into his hand and began to do something that made both of
his sons scream,  
“YOU WANT TO BE A SISSY THEN YOU’RE GONNA BE TREATED LIKE ONE!” Charles roared
before violently shoving his manhood inside of Gabriel.
 
The moments went passed slowly.
As the room was filled with Gabriel’s cries.
 
Charles pulled out before ejaculating. Releasing himself on his son’s back he
grunted while climbing off of Gabriel’s limp body,
“Get over here, Castiel. Now!”
Castiel, crying and scared, did as he was told.
Getting on the bed and lying next to his catatonic big brother. Days later
Castiel found Gabriel in the basement hanging by the extension cords. 
===============================================================================
 
 “Gabriel.” Castiel cried now opening his eyes slowly and remembering.
Listening to the constant vibration of his cell phone as Dean continued to send
messages.   
 
***** Promise. *****
Chapter Summary
     "Stuck with illusion now
     I drown in your sea
     I hope that you first save yourself
     And then come for me"
     ---Deftones, "Heart/Wires"
The unanswered messages eventually stopped coming.
Heartbreak, worry and confusion melted into each other as the two boys grew
apart.
Pain
Pain
Pain.
And more pain.
Lost kisses and stolen joy.
Feverish dead passion and swollen hurt.
A wealth of an abusive father’s fury and sibling death.
 
Unhealed. Suffered and unhealed.
Suffocating.
The cold atmosphere of Belleview was suffocating. Mind numbing and uncaring.
 
Dean missed Castiel dearly but something in his heart warned him to just stop.
That it was no use in reaching out to the younger boy. That there was no use in
trying to save him. But Dean knew it too well…how it felt to have a father hurt
you. Mistreat you. Betray you. Hate you. It was an all too painful memory for
Dean. And he felt his heart ache deep down as he imagined what could have
happened to Cas to have made him stop wanting to talk.
Dean blinked away a single tear and sat up contemplating whether to send
another message or to just actually call.
 But no.
 he was sick of that. And he was sick of just sitting in his room, tired of so
much pain and being avoided.
 
Sick of abusive fathers and watching the people he loved suffer. So Dean got up
and left his Uncle’s house. Walking down the street,  Dean kept his second
thoughts at bay. He didn’t care. Not anymore.
 
 
There was something inside Dean Winchester that he could never confess to
anyone; Not even Cas. It was a solid emptiness that couldn’t be healed.
Something that had been there since Mary and Sammy died…. Since Dean had tried
to kill himself.
 
And it only grew deeper as the moments passed without hearing from Castiel. The
worry, anxiety and selfish anger boiling into the empty pit of his being.
Sinking deep into dark depths. Dean had forgotten about it for a while … the
emptiness…as he and Cas had gotten to know each other. As he kissed Cas’ pale
face and held his hand at school. As they hung out after classes, talking and
listening to music.
 
It was the promise of protection that had distracted Dean from it. Protecting
Castiel and being his friend had become first priority and Dean was there for
him any time of any day. Willing to fight anyone at school who insulted Cas or
had anything to do with his bullying. He even fought Asmodeus’ sister, Dagon,
for calling Castiel out of his name…
 
“You knew you wanted it! You fucking fat ass faggot!” Dagon had shouted
remorselessly in the cafeteria after her brothers were arrested. She and her
friends threw food and trays at both Cas and Dean. Thinking since that they
were girls that the two boys wouldn’t do anything about it…But Dagon was wrong
and shock stabbed at her body as Dean Winchester slammed her down to the floor,
hard.
No one else bothered to bully Cas with Dean around and Dean appreciated the
distraction of their bond. Yearning for it whenever he saw Castiel’s beautiful
face. Cas was the cure little did Dean understand at the time. Castiel kept
Dean sane…alive.…And Dean just let the days with Castiel pass through. Clinging
to him, kissing his palms and caressing his wrist. Touching him and feeling
him. Ignoring the sore emptiness. Ignoring the possibility that Castiel
wouldn’t want him anymore.  
 
Though it was still a festering wound….and Dean tried his best to ignore the
wound as he walked through the deserted wet streets. Sick of Belleview. Sick of
the rain, cloudy skies and cold weather.
The want hit him like a ferocious thud and Dean stopped walking as the
realization smacked into his bones.
 
For the second time in his life, Dean Winchester wanted to die. The boy looked
up at the grey sky too weak to fight the dark thoughts swimming in his head.
The rain began to fall as he stood still in it…. Not recognizing the fact that
he was in front of Castiel’s house.
 
===============================================================================
 
            Castiel forced his fingers down into his throat and heaved into the
toilet. He hadn’t been eating properly again in hopes to hurt himself. Cutting
into his skin with the kitchen knife was too painful…it reminded him too much
of his father’s belt buckle. A thought that kept recurring in his mind. Leading
to the forced act of what Charles did to him. Crying and even slapping his own
face Castiel punished himself for being what he was.
Fat.
Unlovable.
Worthless.
A faggot.
A cocksucker.
A sissy who deserved to be violated.  
And ultimately a sinner who deserved to burn in hell.
 
Castiel couldn’t stop thinking about his brother. He cried and wondered if
Gabriel was in hell for how he died. Castiel wondered if he would go to hell
for what he was about to do…
“Someone help me please.” Castiel prayed to no one. Finally Picking up the
knife he held it to his wrist.
Pausing….
He still too afraid to cut into his skin.
 
Castiel breathed thinking of how Dean kissed him for the first time. Thinking
of how good it felt. How safe he felt. Healed…Loved… He felt loved. But that
love was sinful, detestable and deep down Castiel never felt forgiven for his
sins even after he cried his heart out at the altar. The anxiety of guilt still
ate at him from the inside. He still felt like an abomination.
 
The doorbell rang just as Castiel slit opened his veins. 
===============================================================================
“Promise me you’ll just be happy...” Sammy once whispered quietly to Dean. The
young boy had gotten so sick that he could barely speak aloud. So the nights
came when Sam laid awake in pain and searching for solace from his brother.
 His thin body covered in deep red rashes and his hair which was once long and
thick was now thin and brittle. Small bald spots forming around his scalp.
Sammy knew he was going to die. He knew that his time was coming up. So he
forced himself to speak through the sharp pain in his chest.
 
“Promise me Dean, you’ll find someone that you like…love… and just live. Ok?”
 
“I will Sammy…. I will” Dean had whispered back…not intending it to be a lie.
But it was. Dean couldn’t think straight as Sam’s days got shorter. As he
labored for his breaths and could barely make it to the bathroom. Dean did what
he could for him along with Bobby and Ellen. When Sammy died they all agreed
that it was just time for him to go. To be free… But for Dean….it was just so
hard once Sammy was gone…
 
Once Dean found his way to Belleview Bridge.  
His body hit the ice cold water hard. Rip roaring through his skin, filling his
ears, his mouth and nose.  The current engulfed him entirely and thrashed him
around. His lungs screaming for air and his stomach lurching in fear. 
“Promise me Dean.” Sammy’s words come to his mind as he began to die. “…. just
live.”
At the last minute Dean had begun to fight for his life.
At the very last second Dean decided he wanted to live.
So he kicked and pushed through the water. Swimming against river’s current.
Fear ripping through his mind and heart.  
 
‘Sammy!’ Dean’s heart cried when he could no longer move his limbs against the
strength of the current. ‘Oh God, Sammy I’m so sorry!’
 
Dean lost himself in the depths of the stream and it had been a miracle of
God’s grace that he survived. His body carrying out quickly from the deepest
parts of the river into shallow areas. Drifting onto the rocky shores of the
river….  
===============================================================================
 
Dean remembered and fought against the dark thoughts in his head as the rain
poured.
Remembering his promise to Sammy and ignoring his festering wound Dean looked
at Castiel's tiny yellow house and walked over to go ring the doorbell.
There wasn’t an answer for a long time and the rain began to pour down harder.
Turning to leave now Dean stopped and thought for a moment... than he walked
back to front door and knocked on it.
'Answer, please answer.' Dean thought but still there wasn't one. Dean huffed
out the cold air in his lungs and after a long moment he finally thought to
check the door knob.
By a miracle it was unlocked and Dean gingerly pushed the heavy door open.
Nervously, Listening to the alarm system beep its warning in which after
another moment the system started to go off.
 
“Cas!” Dean called out. He began to look throughout the house for Castiel….half
way planning to leave and kicking himself for even walking in. He didn’t know
if Castiel was even home. He felt so stupid. But Dean moved further into the
house when he heard it. A harsh thud coming from the end of the hallway. Panic
quickened inside Dean from the sound and he began to rush down the narrow
space. Following where the sound had come from.
 “CASTIEL!” Dean shouted in fear when he found Cas in the bathroom. Covered in
blood on the floor.
Dean moved quickly. Not caring about the house alarm going off, Dean ripped the
towels off the rack and wrapped it around Castiel’s bleeding wrist with as much
pressure as possible. Desperately trying to save his friend. his beloved....
 
“Baby, baby no!” Dean cried and held Castiel’s heavy limp body. squeezing onto
Cas’ slit wrist. “Don’t do this to me! Cas! Castiel! No! Cas…. CAS!”
 Castiel was unresponsive and his body was limp.
Dean’s heart raced as the alarm blared in the background numbing his ears.
 
Neighbors looked out their window to see what was going on as the police
arrived. Storming into the Novak's home with guns drawn. They searched the
house and soon found the two teenage boys on the bathroom floor. And In all the
confusion an officer grabbed Dean off of Castiel intending to arrest him. 
 
 “No! No! You don’t understand, I’m his boyfriend!” Dean shouted and struggled.
“Please! Save him! Save my baby!” The cop forced Dean up and looked at the
other boy's body. 
 
“The kid is gone!” The officer said coldly and Dean froze in shock as the man
dragged him out of the bathroom.
 
‘No, no. This is supposed to be me.’ The dark thought crept back into Dean’s
mind. ‘I’m the one who was supposed to die….no...not you Cas. Not you.’ And
everything seemed to move in slow motion as Dean was taken away. Pushed out of
the house and questioned. Dean shouted, begged. Kicked and screamed until the
male officers slammed him down on the concrete outside.
Officer Victor Henriksen passed the commotion and walked into the house. Going
into the bathroom and seeing the boy on the floor. The man knelt beside Castiel
Novak’s body and dug his fingertips deep into the fifteen-year old boy’s neck. 
The pulse was slight.
But it was there.
***** I Love You. *****
Chapter Summary
     "I know where you been, where you are, where you goin'
     I know you're the reason I believe in life
     What's the day without a little night?
     I'm just tryna shed a little light
     It can be hard
     It can be so hard"
     -- Logic, Alessia Cara, and Khalid, 1-800-273-8255
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Charles Novak ignored the incoming call on his cell phone as he sat in the
driver seat of his black sedan. His pants down to his knees and a young dark
haired prostitute bobbing their head expertly in his lap. The older man groaned
and cursed in pleasure as he felt his manhood swell harder into the person’s
mouth. Rolling his eyes back and thrusting his hips forward Charles lost
himself in an undeserved ecstasy while on the other side of Belleview his
youngest son was rushed to the emergency room.
.   .    .
Castiel opened his eyes slowly and saw nothing but bright light. His body was
cold and feverish at the same time and wrist throbbed an aching pain. The
ambulance raced through traffic hitting potholes and curbs and Dean had
convinced the Officer Victor Henriksen to un-cuff him so that he could ride in
the ambulance beside Castiel.
 “D-d-dean?” Castiel groaned in pain, looking around not knowing that his face
and body covered in blood.
“I’m here Cas…I’m here.” Dean said as the ambulance hit another speed bump and
finally pulled into the emergency section of the hospital.
.   .   . 
Charles threw the cash at the young whore and drove off. Still ignoring his
cell phone, he let the hours pass before he finally checked his voicemail and
got the news about his son. Boiling fury built up inside him with a great
tension. Walking into the emergency room entrance Charles stomped through the
halls. Yelling at every nurse and doctor he could find. Demanding to see
Castiel.  
.  .  .
Dean sat beside Castiel in the hospital room after convincing the nurses to let
him in. The room was chilly and Dean did what he could to make Castiel feel as
 safe and comfortable as possible. He asked for extra blankets, cups of tea and
even two extra meal trays for dinner.
Knowing of Castiel’s forced bulimia and wanted to do in all his power to help
him. He didn’t even have to be told about it because Dean could see it in Cas’
face as he would lose weight in substantial amounts but then gain in it right
back. Still Dean didn’t push Castiel--who was finally stable after a few hours-
-- to eat any more than he could.
            Dean just watched Castiel nimble on the cold meat loaf and drink
the tea. Sitting silently waiting for Cas to speak whenever he was ready.
Though Castiel ate quietly and pushed the food away. He wasn’t hungry honestly
but he didn’t want to make a fuss out of it.
Dean took the tray and sat it on the end table. Another quiet moment passed
between them. Castiel curled up into the blankets Dean had he got for him and
began to sob and shake.
            Dean reached over to him immediately. Rubbing Castiel’s back and
whispering to him, “Shhh, It’s okay. Everything is okay, Castiel. Everything
will be fine.” Dean leaned closer and kissed Castiel’s hair and held him.
            “D-dean…” Castiel finally began. “I’m so sorry.” Laying underneath
Dean’s warm embrace Castiel mumbled apology after apology. He gripped onto
Dean’s shoulder and the tight bandage on his wrist brushed up against Dean’s
shirt. Dean looked down at it and shook his head.  
“Don’t Castiel… don’t be. Don’t ever be sorry Cas.” Dean took Castiel’s hand
carefully.
But Castiel trembled the truthful words, “I deleted your messages. You were
trying to reach out to me but I avoided you.”
            “Don’t worry about it Cas…I understand.” Dean whispered. “I
understand so much more than what you can believe.”
 
            Castiel shook his head and felt the hot heavy tears come out his
eyes.
            “No…. you don’t Dean.” He said and continued to tremble.
“What happened?” Dean whispered in Cas’ ear. “After that day we were together?”
 
Castiel closed his eyes and curled into a tighter ball. Unable to bring himself
to speak on it. Unable to think about it. So much had happened since that day
and Castiel couldn’t comprehend it all. Dean could tell. So he didn’t repeat
his question or press Cas…Dean just remained silent and patient while Castiel
continued to shake and sob.
 “Can I kiss you?” Dean asked after a while and with those words Castiel rolled
over onto his back. Opening his arms for Dean and receiving him deeply.
The weeks had passed and Castiel didn’t realize how hungry he was for Dean. In
all his pain, neglect and self-harm, Castiel had ignored what he truly needed.
And he blamed himself for pushing away the only person that he knew cared about
him.
 Still the kiss was so sudden, warm and deep that it made Castiel ache in more
pain then he ever thought he’d endure. But it was as if Dean could feel his
pain that he took Castiel closer into his arms and kissed harder. Dean wished
he could touch Cas’ soul and truly comfort him. He wished that he could be with
him like the night before. But a fear stabbed inside of Dean and he was afraid
that maybe he wasn’t enough. Maybe his kiss wasn’t enough. So he pulled away
gently to look at his Castiel…touching his face and letting the heavy light
words leave his lips in an inaudible whisper.
“I love you.”
 
Castiel’s eyes winced as the words rip roared in his heart. Confusion and worry
eating at his mind.
            “Dean?” He began but soon Dean kissed him again. Somber moans
escaping both their throats. Castiel felt his body become loose as Dean kissed
and held him tighter. Lifting him up and crossing his arms around Cas’ soft
back. Castiel pulled back in order to breathe…but only ending up suffocating in
more, “I love you’s,” from Dean and soft kisses to the neck and ample
collarbones.
Tears burned through Castiel eyes and his heart ached just as he got the solid
courage to say,
            “I love you to.”
Looking at one another the two lovers touched and held one another. Pressing
their foreheads together and whispering soft apologies the two kissed once
more.
that's when the room door opened and closed in a vicious slam.
Dean and Cas looked up as soon as they heard Charles step in. but it was too
late Castiel saw his father’s angry face and knew that Charles witnessed the
kiss.
Dean stood up straight and looked at Pastor Novak. His eyes squinting in an
equal fury as the older man’s. Charles lips pulled back to an angry thin line
as he shook a finger at his son, stepping forward.
“You. Are. Going. To. Go. To. Hell. Boy.” Charles said through his teeth. He
looked at Castiel’s bandaged wrist and scoffed harshly.  
“Dad…” Castiel begged and attempted to cover himself with the blankets
attempting to shield himself away from his father’s words and to hide his
bandages. But Dean stepped in between the two of them. Being Castiel’s shield.
Dean looked the man square in the eye and balled his fist. He didn’t have to
know all what happened that night between Charles and Cas.
 
Dean just remembered the sight of Castiel that morning before at school. The
swollen welts and deep red bruises. Dean knew it in his heart that Charles
Novak hurt his son in some horrid way and Dean was ready to defend Castiel at
any second.
 
“You better step away from my son, Winchester.” Charles snapped at Dean. “He
doesn’t need to associate with the likes of you.” 
Dean remained exactly where he stood. Shaking his head. Charles stepped closer
into Dean’s face. “I said move.”  
 Dean  came into Pastor Novak’s face...standing within inches. Dean could smell
the whiskey, see the make-up smears on his shirt and further knew immediately
what kind of man he was.
            “You’re the one who is going to be in hell.” Dean said and Charles
gave Dean Winchester a violent look that Castiel recognized immediately in
fear. Castiel got up in the bed, reaching for Dean and shaking his head.
“Dean! Dean, don’t please! Just go. Just go I’ll be fine. We can talk later.”
“No Cas, I’m not going anywhere.” Dean said. Feeling Castiel’s hands run down
his left arm to his hand. Dean squeezed his hands around Castiel’s.
interlocking their fingers together.
 
            Charles saw their union and felt a burning agitation raise inside
him and with no self-control Charles Novak pounced on Dean. Punching the
seventeen year olds face and grabbing him by the hair quickly. Smashing Dean
against the wall.
“STOP IT!” Castiel struggled to get up as he saw his father hurt Dean. The man
was stronger than he looked and Dean struggled in the Charles' grip as he was
suddenly dragged to the floor and choked out.
 
“YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST TURN MY SON INTO SOME FAG THEN YOU’RE WRONG!!” Charles
roared. Blinded by rage he tightened his grip around Dean’s throat.
Dean had held his own for as long as he could. Punching Charles in the ribs
repeatedly. Hard. But as the man choked him, hard, Dean began to pass out.
And in a split second Dean thought of his mother and how she died…..Dean’s
heart dropped as he realized the same thing was about to happen to him.
 Castiel, screaming for help, jumped on his father’s back and attempted to pull
him off. Punching his back and pulling at his hair. Not realizing he was
hitting his own father Castiel lost himself in anger and clawed Charles’ back.
Charles let go of Dean Winchester immediately and turned his attention toward
his son. Getting up and pushing Castiel into the corner.
“SO THAT’S WHAT YOU GONNA DO, CASTIEL! …..YOU’RE GONNA CHOOSE SOME FAGGOT OVER
YOU OWN FLESH AND BLOOD!!!” Charles slapped Castiel and slammed him on the
wall.
“Daddy don’t…” Castiel groaned and pain. Scared and truly sorry for what he had
just did. Castiel had always been an obedient son. Always doing as he was
told….but as Charles had put his hands on Dean- his friend….his love- Castiel
had lost himself in a brand new form of rage. And it only took one more slap
from Charles….one more push against the wall. Before everything came rushing
out. 
“I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!” Castiel bellowed and roared. Grabbing his father’s face
and smashing it until they both hit the floor. “I HATE YOU!!!!”
Security and the nurses barged into the room. Castiel yelling and cursing at
his father as the security guards pulled him off of Charles. The nurses helping
Dean off the floor slowly and everyone watching as Castiel shouted at the top
of his lungs.
            “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!”
The security guards pushed Castiel into the corner to keep him separated from
Charles who roared back,
“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY!! I’M YOU’RE FATHER, BOY!”
 “You’re no father to me!” Castiel screamed until his voice was hoarse. “You’ve
been hurting me for years! You beat me almost every single day! You molested
me!”
“Molested you?” Charles stepped back....feigning shock. “What you talking
about. I’ve never touched you, Cas!”
Castiel was blinded in outrage and rushed forward to hit his father but was
caught by a guard and pushed back. He continued to scream,
“You fucking molested me! You beat me when those boys tried to hurt me in the
alleyway. Telling me it was my fault that it happened! You've called me
worthless! You raped my brother right in front of me!” Castiel cried and felt
his whole body convulse as truths after truths poured out of him. “You’re the
reason why Gabriel killed himself! You’re the reason why I wanted to die!”
 Dean rushed over to Castiel and held him as he cried. Trying to help him calm
down for his own sake but Castiel continued to scream. 
            Charles Novak stepped back. The security guards moved to escort the
older man out of the hospital room when Charles began to shout,
“DON’T THINK YOU'RE WELCOMED BACK IN MY HOUSE BOY! REMEMBER THAT! YOU’RE NO
LONGER WELCOME!”   
Charles rushed out before the guards could grab him. Running out the hospital
and to his car hastily. Quickly without second thought Charles made his way out
of the small town. Knowing that the rumors will spread.  Knowing that people
will begin to talk.  Just as they talked when Gabriel died.
===============================================================================
 
The news spread through Belleview like a virus and the police questioned Cas
and Dean on everything that had happened. Ranging from the fight in the room to
Castiel's abuse.  Through tears and help from Dean Castiel told the truth about
it all. Relief washing over him as the cops agreed to put out a warrant for
Charles’ arrest.
The days went by and Dean stayed by Castiel’s side. Not caring about school and
how far behind they both were. The nurses allowed Dean to stay by Castiel’s
side because of how inseparable they were. Some even admired how much Dean
cared for Cas with making sure he had everything he needed. Making sure Castiel
felt safe. Yet unfortunately, Castiel still had to be taken to the mental
facility outside of the town for his attempted suicide. Dean knew the place all
to well. he worried for Cas at first but then started to let Castiel know how
to survive a mental hospital. 
“It’s not so bad. Just follow the rules, go to the therapy sessions and they’ll
let you out early, okay?” Dean whispered to Cas on the day he was to be taken
away. Castiel nodded sorrowfully. Tearing up and swallowing down a sob. Dean
pressed his forehead to Cas’ and cupped his face into his palms. Wiping away
the tears with his thumbs.
“Can I kiss you?” Dean asked as he always did when Castiel cried. Cas nodded
quickly.
“You can always kiss me, Dean.” Castiel said lowly and shook as Dean softly
pressed his lips against his.
The days seemed to go by in a blur and Castiel followed the rules and went to
the sessions. Soon he was released on the week before the Holidays. Not knowing
of his father's whereabouts and never wanting to return to his house Castiel
was accepted into Bobby and Ellen Singer's home with open arms.
Chapter End Notes
     This is my first time making it to a tenth chapter of a WIP fic. So
     I'll be taking a small break from it in order to celebrate it. But i
     promise to return soon to (hopefully) marathon write 10 more
     chapters. Thanks for sticking around through all the angst. I promise
     to bring in some major fluff to heal you guys. <3 <3 <3
     Be sure to comment, sub and hit the Kudo button! I'd love to hear
     from you guys. Take care. <3
***** Let Me Know. Part 1 *****
Chapter Summary
     "But at your best you are love
     You're a positive motivating force within my life
     Should you ever feel the need to wonder why
     Let me know, let me know"
     ---Aaliyah, "Let Me Know."
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Christmas Eve, morning.
===============================================================================
       
           Castiel opened his eyes slowly and curled into a ball under the
extra warm blanket that Dean had placed over him during the night without his
knowledge. Dean was sleeping on the floor beside Cas, while he was lying on the
couch. The living room was dimly lit by the twinkle of light coming from the
Christmas tree. A gold and white glow lit up the corner of the room and
temperature was cool but not too cold. Uncle Bobby showed Dean how to fix the
furnace earlier in the week before Castiel arrived from the hospital. It was
still a bit whacky but everyone in the house wore thick sweaters and wool socks
to keep chill off.
 
            It was in the middle of the night when Dean had woken up in his
room. Feeling cold as the furnace had went back out. Without second thought
Dean got up out of bed with all his covers and went to go check on Cas. Bundled
up on the couch and shivering, Dean heart dropped at the sight of Castiel. So
he took his comforter and placed it around Cas gently. Careful not to wake him.
 
Too tired to go back to his room Dean sat down on the floor beside Castiel.
Cold, drifting off and listening to rumble sound of the furnace as it
thankfully kicked back on so the house can have some heat. The living room
became less chilly as the warm air crept in through the vents. The snowy
morning came slowly as Dean and Cas slept through the hours.  
 
When Castiel finally opened his eyes all the way, he sat up immediately once he
realized there was extra heat and heaviness of the blankets around his body. He
looked around confused for a moment not knowing what was going on and then
paused as he saw Dean sitting on the floor. Head cocked to the side in a deep
yet slightly uncomfortable sleep.
 
“Dean.” Castiel began but he stopped himself in time before waking Dean up.
Without thinking about it Cas climbed off the couch taking all the covers and
kneeling beside Dean. Curling the blankets around both of their bodies and
sitting close to Dean. Dean moved in his sleep feeling the heat and turned over
just in time to nuzzle up next to Castiel.
“Dean…” Cas whispered softly. Wrapping the covers around him and Dean closely.
The two were snuggled up in an instant and Castiel touched Dean’s light colored
hair and rest his head against his.
 
            For a while the two sat together that way as the moments passed and
Castiel closed his eyes and day dreamed waiting for Dean to wake up. Feeling
warm and safe Cas looked out the window and looked at the snow. It was coming
down heavily outside and everyone in the neighborhood was tucked away in their
homes for the holiday.
 
Ellen and Bobby had already done their shopping for Christmas day before Cas’
arrival. So the house was packed with groceries and the large boxes of gifts
were stuffed under the tree. There was also plenty to eat but Ellen will hold
off to the middle of the day to finally start cooking the holiday meal as she
usually does.  
            “Would you like to help me with cooking Christmas dinner, Castiel?”
Ellen had asked kindly as she laid out the bundle of sheets and blankets for
Cas on the couch the night he arrived. Castiel nodded timidly and took the
other ends of the sheets to tuck them around the cushions.
 
            Castiel had felt a little nervous being at the Singer’s house.
Nervous that Bobby and Ellen welcomed him so warmly. It astounded him. But he
was grateful and was ready to show his appreciation.
“My mom, Naomi, showed me how to cook ham and macaroni & cheese once.” Castiel
said to Ellen. “Though I’m more into baking desserts than anything else.”  
“Oh really, anything you have in mind? I’ve brought loads of things from the
market but I can run out and get you something if you need.” Ellen said.
“Do you have cookie mix?” Cas asked with high brows.
“We sure do and I brought brownie mix as well.” Ellen smiled. “You can bake
that too, if you want.”
Cas nodded and sat on the bundle just after they tossed the last blanket on.
“Thank you for everything, Mrs. Singer.” Cas smiled back and receive a gentle
pat on the shoulder.   
 
“If there is anything you need let me know, okay?” Ellen said before walking
away. Cas nodded and heard the grumbles and groans of both Bobby Singer and
Dean as they had stumbled back into the house from shoving the snow.
“Boy! It’s cold out there!” Bobby growled and was greeted with a tiny kiss from
Ellen. Dean took off his coat and boots near the front door and walked over to
Castiel. Not talking or complaining about the snow. Just sitting next to Cas
close and resting his head on his shoulder.
Castiel blushed and knew Dean was glad to have him back. So he rested his head
against Dean’s also and thought of what Ellen had said just seconds ago.
 
“If there is anything you need let me know, okay?”
 
Castiel thought of what he needed and it wasn’t something that Ellen could give
him at the moment. Granted it was she and Bobby who convinced the police to not
contact Child Services. Saying that they could take Castiel in especially
during the holiday. They were already giving him the family that he needed and
Castiel was so grateful. But there was something else on his mind.
Dean…
 
The thing on his mind was Dean and that thing he needed was only something that
Dean could give.
 
Love. His love.
 
Castiel sat still now looking out the window as Dean slept thinking of the day
at the hospital. When Dean kissed him so deeply and whispered the words:
 
I love you.  
 
His heart racing a little bit at the thought of it. Castiel couldn’t believe
it. But he said it back. Cas remembered how he said, “I love you to.”
 
But something was off in his body about it. Castiel was scared of it. He
questioned it secretly while he was away at the institution. It was painful and
shocking and Castiel Novak wondered.
‘Why would anyone love me?’
 
Impatient and wanting Cas looked down at Dean. Touching his eyelashes gently
and kissing his cheek.
 
‘Why would you love me?’ Castiel continued to think as the morning grew late
and Dean’s eyes fluttered awake.
 
“Cas…” Dean opened his eyes and noticed how close Castiel was. There was
silence between them as they looked at each other. The same mysterious
heaviness hanging between them as they eye’s met and looked in wonder.
 
“What is it?” Dean asked gently. Castiel thought more of that day and looked
down at his wrist. The scars were visible yet fading soon along with the other
marks and blemishes as well. Castiel blinked and exhaled simply. Dean studied
Castiel’s expression and sat up, looking at Castiel’s wrist as well.
“Are you okay?” Dean asked slowly taking Cas’ hands into his own.
 
            ‘Why do you love me?’ Castiel thought again... his heart beating
slow. Painfully. He didn’t have the courage to ask…. but he remembered. And he
yearned for it. To be told….to hear Dean say the words again. He just lacked
courage. And the morning…the morning was just too soft.
 
Cas didn’t realize his eyes were closed when Dean touched his cheek. Wiping
away a little tear with his thumb.
“Are you alright?” Dean whispered and Castiel took a breath then finally
nodded.
 
“Yes.” He lied with a tender smile.
Chapter End Notes
     Just my attempt to write a soft chapter after so hurt and pain for
     Dean and Cas. this one has just a light angst to it but still soft
     and loving as can be.
     Hope you guys like it. More love and fluff to come soon!
***** Let Me Know. Part 2 *****
Chapter Summary
     Can I talk to you
     Comfort you
     Let you know
     I care for you
     ---Aaliyah, "I Care For You."
      “You know….. you don’t have to lie to me.” Dean sat on top of the kitchen
counter just as Castiel pulled the second batch of sugar cookies out of the
oven. Cas turned, perplexed with high brows. Catching the seriousness in Dean’s
eye his belly lurched and he blushed in embarrassment. Earlier that day Cas had
moved away from Dean before saying anything. But he knew that Dean knew very
well that it was a lie. Castiel was not alright…. he was far from it.
 
     Still now Cas forced a chuckled while placing the cookies on a plate.
Trying to keep his composure and control his shaky hands. Dean cocked a brow
and saw Cas’ struggle. The kitchen went silent for a moment as Cas worked and
Dean stared. Aunt Ellen and Uncle Bobby were talking quietly while a Christmas
movie played on television. Castiel ignored Dean’s glare and focused on baking
more desserts. Dinner was nearly ready for the night and Cas was taking
advantage of his turn in the kitchen while Ellen took her break. Everything was
all good. Until Dean had come over and sat on the counter.
 
            Castiel now prepared and stirred the new batter for double fudge
chocolate brownies. Counting the seconds in his head as he waited for Dean to
finally jump off the counter and come toward him. And Dean did so swiftly as if
he could read Cas’ mind. Walking up behind the younger boy Dean reached around
and grabbed a cookie from the dessert pile. Castiel went to slap away Dean’s
hand but he was too slow.
“Hey!” Castiel complained and broke the cookie away from Dean’s lips. “At least
ask first, Dean.” The older boy shrugged and chewed on the remained bit of
cookie in his mouth. Swallowing and stepping closer to Castiel Dean grabbed Cas
by the waist and pressed his lips to Cas’ temple.
 
“You said you were okay, Cas….” Dean paused. Gingerly touching Castiel’s
scarred wrist with a single fingertip. “But you’re not…. Why did you lie to
me?”
Castiel scoffed and moved to kiss Dean but Dean backed away. Cas’ brows
furrowed.
“Dean…” Cas groaned “I’m fine, seriously.”
“Then why were you crying this morning?” Dean asked in a low whisper.
 
     Castiel stood anxious and timid. Touching his hair and beginning to shake.
Thinking of how Dean wiped away his tears with his thumbs. He loved it when
Dean did that. He loved it when Dean kissed him….He loved Dean somehow. Cas
just wasn’t sure how to ask…why would Dean care for him? It was scary because
of how much they been through together and Castiel knew something wasn’t false
about Dean at all. It’s just he couldn’t believe it…it was just frightening.  
 
But it was something Cas needed…. truly.
 
Dean sighed and began to walk away just as Cas reached for his arm…. But Dean
snatched away from his grasp. Castiel was preparing to ask the sore question
though he stepped back ajar from Dean’s sudden action.
 
There was nothing between them but Aunt Ellen’s laughter coming from the living
room and the loud sounds of TV commercials. Dean stood still watching from the
edge of the corner as Uncle Bobby kissed Ellen on the cheek and touched her
arms. He knew he was wrong for just doing what he just did but Dean was getting
more than just a little upset. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like lies.
 
“Don’t ever lie to me Castiel.” Dean said with his back to Cas. “I know you’re
still hurting…. Believe me. I was hurting for days after I had tried to kill
myself.”  
 
“What....Dean?” Castiel’s eyes widened in shock.
 
“I threw myself off the local bridge after Sammy died.” Dean said lowly and
turned around. “I think about it all the time. And I know how it feels so don’t
ever lie to me about it. Please. Because I don’t know if what I’d do if I lost
you to.”
 
Castiel touched his scar and shook his head, “It’s not like that Dean.”
 
“Then what?” Dean pulled his brows together and rested his hands on the counter
top.
 
Castiel lowered his head and looked at Dean’s hands. They were strong and large
and Castiel wanted them…He needed them. It was a struggle but Castiel managed
to finally say it,
“Y-you said you loved me when I was in the hospital….and I was wondering….”
Castiel allowed his voice to trail off for a moment. Not finishing his
sentence.
“Wondering about what?” Dean asked becoming impatient. His grip on the counter
remaining firm.     
Castiel ached when he saw the grip….the turn of Dean’s white knuckles and
fingers. With his heart thumping he took a deep breath.
“I was wondering why-y.” He struggled and touched his chest. feeling his heart
pound then hugging his ample waist and feeling his shoulders shake. “It’s not
like I’m anything special, you know? I’m just me. Like…why would you love
someone like me.”
 
Dean loosened his grip on the counter top and laughed suddenly. Castiel looked
up and frowned.
“Dean I’m serious…”
 
“You don’t listen do you Cas.” Dean continued to chuckle. “I threw myself off a
bridge and nearly died…. I’m nothing special either.”
Castiel shook his head. Giving up on Dean and turning back to stir the brownie
batter. Wiping tears with his arms.
 
Dean stopped laughing and saw how Castiel’s shoulders were trembling.
“Cas….” Dean began to step forward. But Castiel shook his head again.
“You don’t get it, Dean.” Cas said in low sobs.
“Then tell me the truth.” Dean spoke firmly. “Stop crying and just tell me.” He
rushed closer and took Castiel’s waist making him turn back around. With his
eyes downcast and lashes sticking together from tears Castiel refused to look
back up at Dean. Not afraid, angry or remorseful but just hurt. Confused. And
yearning for the feel of Dean’s hands. But still Castiel backed away. Breathing
hard and anxious.
“Cas…” Dean sighed and begged his lover’s name. And it must have been in the
sound of his voice because Castiel finally looked up. Taking Dean’s hands into
his own.
“Dean, I wanted to know…. why have you been so kind to me. Why did you save me
when Asmodeus and his brothers were hurting me? When you could have just left….
Why did you want to kiss me that day….and how…why would want to love me when I
am not worth anything?”
Dean brow furrowed as Cas continued, “I mean it’s not like I’m even
attractive.”  
 
“Don’t.” Dean shook his head and touched Castiel’s hair. “Don’t Cas.”  
“But Dean. There’s so much--” Castiel started to cry again and Dean hugged him
tight.
     “First of all Cas…. You are not worthless. You’re perfect. You’re amazing
and wonderful. And completely perfect just the way you are. And I saved you
that day because not only was it the right thing to do but because I saw you
and I can see that you don’t deserve to be treated like shit… ever. Castiel…. I
kissed you that day because I wanted to…. I wanted to comfort you somehow. And
if you can allow me to be selfish for a moment…I just wanted to hold you. I
want to hold you when you are hurting because I don’t know what else I can do
for you…. You had me worried when you weren’t replying to my messages. I was
scared when I found you in the bathroom that day…you had lost so much blood and
I was afraid that you had died. That’s when I realized I loved you. Because of
how scared I was. It was a pain in my gut and I could barely think. And in my
heart…. I just knew that I needed you…. Castiel. I needed you to live. Because
I really don’t know what I’d do without you. I mean after my mom. Sammy…. I
don’t know. I just…. Castiel…. It’s like you complete the missing pieces inside
me.” 
Dean lowered his head. Resting it in the crook of Cas’ neck and falling apart
in tears. Dean had been holding on to his grief, lost and need on his own for
ages. Not thinking about the reasons why. But Castiel’s questions made his
emotions rush and overflow and Dean couldn’t help but feel his gut quake as
tears and very light cries escaped his mouth.
“I love you, Cas. I really do. And I want you and need you. You’re so beautiful
and you deserve to be cared for. So don’t doubt it any more just know….just
know.”
“Dean…” Castiel felt the tears run down his neck and soak into his shirt.
Holding each other the two kissed and touched. Castiel caressing Dean’s
shoulders while Dean kissed his eyelids.
Lost in each other the two young lovers whispered, “I love you,” thoughtlessly.
Castiel shivered and lowered his head against Dean’s strong shoulder and felt
it. He felt loved. Healed and wanted. The doubt in his heart and mind
diminishing as Dean kissed his lips gently. Touching his forearms and rubbing
his waist.
The heat between them built up and Dean could see Castiel’s blush. Dean kissed
Cas’ reddening cheeks and stole another one from his lips before asking,
 
“What do you want to do, Cas?”
 
Cas smiled lightly, “I think I better get back to finishing dessert.”
“I need you.” Dean whispered quietly and chuckled lightly touching Cas’ plump
cheek. “I’ve been needing you for days.”  Castiel breathed deeply and said,
“This house has thin walls, Dean. We barely were quiet enough the last time,
remember?”
Dean nodded and achingly pressed his forehead to Castiel’s. Looking into Cas’
beautiful blue eyes intensely. Cas was shook but he looked back into Dean’s
eyes. His own hands running down sides and feeling the press from his jeans.
Castiel’s lashes fluttered and lips quivered. Aching for another kiss. Lifting
his head up to meet Dean’s mouth to his Castiel touched Dean’s press and felt
him squirm a little.
“I love you, baby.” Dean whispered tenderly into Cas’ mouth. “So…so much. Don’t
ever doubt it, okay?”
Cas nodded and mouthed the words,  
“I love you to, Dean.” He was unable to find his voice as his own heart rapped
against his chest. Then Castiel confessed, “I’ve missed you so much….I need you
so much.” Dean smiled and kissed Cas. Deeply. Hungrily. Cupping his face and
holding him. Losing himself in all of Castiel’s warmth and softness.
 
“What are you two love birds doing in here.” Ellen said peaking around the
corner to see what Cas and her nephew were doing.
 
The two boys jumped immediately at the sound of Aunt Ellen’s voice. Castiel,
embarrassed and in shock turned back to the brownie batter he was once working
on and Dean pushing himself up against the cupboard door.  
“Nothing, we’re just talking, Aunt Ellen.” Dean smiled than began to walk out
in order to give his aunt space in the kitchen so she could work alongside
Castiel. But Ellen wasn’t fooled.
“Uh huh, I saw how you boys were all hugged up in here. You’re not fooling
anyone Dean.”  Ellen smiled and went over to Cas and patted his back. “Neither
are you Cas.”
Castiel blushed again and stirred the batter. He and Dean were talking for so
long that the chocolate and fudge had gone a little stiff and needed to be
reworked.
 “Dean and I were just making plans to go shovel the snow, Mrs. Singer.” Cas
said coyly. “That way Mr. Singer won’t have to worry about it if there is any
need to make a run to the market for anything.”
Ellen nodded, “Great idea Castiel! That will be so lovely and as a matter of
fact Missouri Moseley invited Bobby and I over for her little get together
later this evening. So it would be nice to have a clean drive way. How about
you two get to that now and I’ll finish up the brownies…. besides Castiel it
seems Dean is distracting you anyway.” Ellen shooed Castiel away from the
mixing bowl and directed him toward the front door.
 
Castiel looked over at Dean and winked then went to go grab his boots. Dean
followed and the two boys hurried out to the garage to get the shovels. 
                                  .   .   . 
Taking care of the chore only took nearly half an hour and the two young boys
would have gotten done faster if it weren’t for the constant breaks for snow
ball fights, snow angels and kisses. Ellen looked out the window as she
finished the holiday dinner and shook her head knowing through her own wisdom
how the two lovers would act. Watching Dean and Cas reminded her of the days
when she first met Bobby back in the day.
How sweet it was to be young and in love and how refreshing it was find someone
to complete you. Ellen breathed deeply with a smile knowing that Castiel was
good for Dean. That Dean had been through far too much and so had Cas. It was a
blessing to see Dean smile now. To laugh and be joyful and see that this boy,
an angel practically, was now finally with him. Ellen could see it and she
moved away from the window with gratefulness in her heart. While outside Dean
kissed Cas in the snow.
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